I'm Tired But Happy

I have been extremely tired lately. I hardly sleep. I might be going through or rathere was going through or maybe I still am going through a slight depression. When I say slight I mean it doesn'ty hold me down, it simply affects at night when everything stops or any time in the day when I am not busy. But that's not why I came here.

I've been feeeling uppity lately. Actually it's just from Tuesday. I might not have mentioned it before but I'd like to enter the publishing world as a poet, not simply a writer. I began as a poet. Poetry is my main love and I feel most at home and free with it. This should leave the view I want of myself, a poet.

I've tried t compile a book/collection of poetry before. It was my goal to have four equal parts of love, abuse, life and death. Yet every time I went at it I was hit with the problem of having too many love poems. It really sucked. It would be rather easy to write the poems I want or so you would think. But when I write with an open mind, what I get is love. When I push with an open heart trying to focus on somethng else, I still get love. It takes 'a lot' to write poetery not based on love and I desperately wanted my four sectons. I thought it would be nice to allow readers to get a feel of who I really am. I love life. I see death as another part of live as is love and abuse is something dear to me because we need to open or eyes and minds in order to help.

That was my dilemma I could not move forward. I became frustrated and put it on pause...for several years. As November neared its end, I realized I needed another project. It was going to be emmpty unless I was writing and pushing and producing. Hence the reason I decided that I would return to compiling. December began. I did nothing. I excused myself with the explanation that I was tired, exhausted from NaNo. Then something triggered a burts of inspiration and I had to write, had to release. I made a blog entirely for my poetry. Then I made the goal that I would write a poem per day. But I still was not compiling.

This Tuesday I went over the problem in my head after going home for two weeks and only thinking of opening my laptop. I never moved only thought as the machine sat less than two feet from me. I resolved my problem. I decided I would do the book and that it would only contain loved based poems. Actually at the same time a title popped into my mind and it seems perfect. It is not particularly catchy, but it will be when I'm through with it. ;-)

That night with no thought at all I was on the laptop. I began compiling and editing. In those poems I see how I have grown emotionally. In like that. It motivates me and I am as happy as I was during my NaNo-ing.

This is my calling. This is my love. I am Shaziane. I am a poet.


Peace & Love
Shaziane