January 27 - Anemia (I think)

I think I might have Anemia. I went to a lab yesterday to check my blood count and pressure level. For the latter the result was instant: 99/73. According to the technician the average is 120/80 though it varies for some people. But it's low. The other result has been ready since 1500hrs yesterday, but I had a class at 1445hrs. Initially I planned to miss a section of the two hour class period. But somewhere along the day I changed plans.

However without the results I am almost certain. Over the last year I've been some health issues one could say. I have unexplainable pain in my chest arms and legs, my limbs numb and become cold, there's loss of strength for short periods, I feel like fainting (though I never have), my memory lapses, and I become winded after extremely short periods of exertion equaled to the likeness of one hundred quick steps, when this exertion is pushed it triggers a headache which affects my eyes as well as my ability to think.

Of course, I'm not one to visit doctors so I haven't and most likely won't. I've read that the presence of the symptoms above and others symbolise that there is another problem within the body. I hope it isn't so with me. I'm already having issues with those symptoms. I have a headache at the moment and it's preventing me from focusing on my practice writing and code writing.

I need to get over it so that it can move on. I'm trying multiple potential solutions; watching Inception to calm my mind in the case that my mind is overly occupied; applied the screen contrast to lessen the stress on my eyes; lying down and covering to go against the tired and i should fall and cold feeling.

The headache is present but has lessened, my eyes aren't hurting, my thoughts are moving more smoothly. However the back of my neck is now hurting though and the sheets make me too warm and I feel cold without them. My eyes are beginning to hurt again. I think I should try for a poem now though. I didn't write yesterday, and it would be terrible for me to ....I look to the television for a minute or less and lost my thought.

I've produced five okay lines now my head is hurting:

Wake (me) from the depths of your mind
Build (me) from the seed of inspiration
Mold (me) with optimism
Create with zeal
Craft with confidence


It's 1401hrs and I think I should sleep so....

January 26 - I Miss Him

I miss the most mundane things about our day. I misss driving in the car while discussing our day, tossing witty comments back and forth, poking , pulling, touching limbs play fully. I miss spending time with him. I miss speaking to him about concerns which others would laugh at. I miss being in his presence. I'm always on an extreme emotion when he's near. I miss him.

Hurt.

Feeling a bit stupid, for no real reason. But oh well classic me.

Learning to use my pain for gain: What do I know....? We'll see when I begin writing.

I need someone to talk to eh?

Time to Prep

To see the first practice run I'm comfortable with check out Every Flaw Put To Rest.

I am rather anxious for comments. I need to know where I am in the sight of the audience.

And back to prepping I go.

Day 1

A Bit Nervous, Frightened, Unsure

Love

I'm in love with the same man from last year. I still feels good to love him. Loving him has inspired and continues to inspire me as time moves. We both remain in the state in which we met: him being overtly friendly and me single. And I've finally accepted that one of the first things he told me was true. It's not a matter of disbelief but one of rewording his statement in a manner so that it connected and lasts within my brain. He hadn't "womanized" for a while and I thought "He's changing for me". But he's began again and his actions are less careful as are his words. Of course, it hurts. The importance of it however is what he told me near the beginning. "You can't change a man. He has to change himself." At first I thought of how obvious it was and asked him to really say what he meant because there had to be another meaning which I wasn't grasping.

"A woman can never make a man change. He has to love her enough to want to change and change himself."

Obvious and true but for some reason we (women) continual remold men who are never actually remolded. A person is whoever they chose to be. One can inspire change in another but x cannot change y (outside of mathematics).

And so I'm alone again with no buddy to talk to at any and every hour of the day about philosophies, music, personalities, mindsets, weaknesses, strengths, etc...overall I fell as though I've simply lost a friend, a true friend, considering that he hasn't betrayed any of my secrets or thrown them in my face. Speaking to him always made me feel as though I was really communicating, sharing....

But I do stupid things like thinking I mean more to a person that they ever admit. So I'll resist my obsessive compulsions pertaining to him and I'll leave him be.

Blessings to him and whatsoever he does in life.



Writing

I haven't been writing a lot throughout the last year. However this year will be different. I am been lackadaisical about it considering that I should have begun practicing at 09:30 and now at 11:33 I'm stalling.

I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing as a writer and by failing I mean falling lower than the heights achieved earlier. I should be, but I am. I think this was a good starter, a way of getting my emotions out. Oddly I do feel worst having admitting that which was in the preceding section. I wished he'd call. But thankful I am very acquainted with depression and writing....strangely I don't feel depressed, sad. But not depressed in the least.


Academics

I've not excelled to the point of satisfaction. But I'm doing okay. I need to improve on time management though. After the completion of this post a schedule will be create for a better flow and use of productivity and time.



Life Outside of the above

....doesn't feel like it matters at the moment, except that I'm trying to find money