A Bit Nervous, Frightened, Unsure

Love

I'm in love with the same man from last year. I still feels good to love him. Loving him has inspired and continues to inspire me as time moves. We both remain in the state in which we met: him being overtly friendly and me single. And I've finally accepted that one of the first things he told me was true. It's not a matter of disbelief but one of rewording his statement in a manner so that it connected and lasts within my brain. He hadn't "womanized" for a while and I thought "He's changing for me". But he's began again and his actions are less careful as are his words. Of course, it hurts. The importance of it however is what he told me near the beginning. "You can't change a man. He has to change himself." At first I thought of how obvious it was and asked him to really say what he meant because there had to be another meaning which I wasn't grasping.

"A woman can never make a man change. He has to love her enough to want to change and change himself."

Obvious and true but for some reason we (women) continual remold men who are never actually remolded. A person is whoever they chose to be. One can inspire change in another but x cannot change y (outside of mathematics).

And so I'm alone again with no buddy to talk to at any and every hour of the day about philosophies, music, personalities, mindsets, weaknesses, strengths, etc...overall I fell as though I've simply lost a friend, a true friend, considering that he hasn't betrayed any of my secrets or thrown them in my face. Speaking to him always made me feel as though I was really communicating, sharing....

But I do stupid things like thinking I mean more to a person that they ever admit. So I'll resist my obsessive compulsions pertaining to him and I'll leave him be.

Blessings to him and whatsoever he does in life.



Writing

I haven't been writing a lot throughout the last year. However this year will be different. I am been lackadaisical about it considering that I should have begun practicing at 09:30 and now at 11:33 I'm stalling.

I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing as a writer and by failing I mean falling lower than the heights achieved earlier. I should be, but I am. I think this was a good starter, a way of getting my emotions out. Oddly I do feel worst having admitting that which was in the preceding section. I wished he'd call. But thankful I am very acquainted with depression and writing....strangely I don't feel depressed, sad. But not depressed in the least.


Academics

I've not excelled to the point of satisfaction. But I'm doing okay. I need to improve on time management though. After the completion of this post a schedule will be create for a better flow and use of productivity and time.



Life Outside of the above

....doesn't feel like it matters at the moment, except that I'm trying to find money