Emotionally Invested

I love him dearly.  That's all there is.

I am depressed. Generally, I'd be more than honest with him. But his situation is the reason.  I am afraid that if I tell him I am that he'll know the reason and cut me off.

I need to control myself. I am a grown woman. This may be the one for him, or she may be the first of the last.  It doesn't matter. I need to find a positive way to deal with my emotions. I don't intend to stop loving him.

And I intend to be a force to be reckoned with when it comes to being innovative,  and progressive. I haven't gotten this far without a male counterpart to make my life all about one. He has impacted me greatly. I don't know how he views me, but he has been a great help to me in a lot of things.

It's very near to ridiculous...I was well on my way, thinking of walking my solitary path, then he pokes his nose into my business. I liked him before, and I did invited him into my life. But unlike most people he accepted the invitation,  walked in, and made himself comfortable. I don't dislike the fact. I like it.

He's understanding towards how I see the world, and generally how I think. A lot of times he's the middle ground, helping me to see how most persons see things, taking the time to explain in a way I can wrap my mind around. Sometimes,  after he's explained and I've taken more than a few seconds to grasp a concept I generally feel daft. He's never the reason though...writing this I feel as though I'm speaking about someone who's autistic...mildly. However,  I am not. I just have a little difficult understanding things sometimes.

Back to the point though. Sigh. After quite awhile of trying to convince me that my way of thinking, my mantra of "I was born alone, I will die alone, therefore I can live alone"  which I never told him or anyone else about, needed to be abandoned. I did. I let people in, opened myself to people touching me, and stopped thinking of myself as a singular. No one is as close as he is . I think one of the reasons is the amount of similarities we share. I hardly try to tell him things in a coherent manner. I say the words I'm thinking unfiltered, unedit, and he deciphers without need of explanation once we're on the same topic. We both move back, and forth through topics mostly without warning, and generally with the other perfectly in tow.

I hope to enjoy this friendship for life.

I just need to be happy for them. See the problem here isn't their relationship.  It's that I know his female. We converse enough so that I feel a little more than comfortable around her. I consider her to be a very close acqaintance...maybe even a friend. However, that is a bit unclear. I think she's a friend,  though I don't know if she considers me to be one to her.

I have a few rules about guys, and relationships. If a friend is interested in the same guy I am I'll back off (they generally see me as sex anyway). However,  I met and feel for him before meeting her. Next, once a friend has dated a guy, he becomes untouchable...

And there comes 'the perfect guy'...the THING I dislike about him pales in comparison to the pros...and then this...

I only wrote the proposal this morning i.e 0100 to 0739, and of course the above was a major distraction. I'll be editing the draft today.