I'm

I'm lost. I did something stupid. I believed that your interest in me was something lasting...worthwhile. I know you said it wasn't for anything pertaining to intimacy but that's what I believe nonetheless. How I could continuously fool myself it's just ridiculous.

That was written yesterday. I'm definitely depressed. Let's hope and pray that I can get my assignments done
I'm trying not to act depressed. I don't want to lose everything. Sometimes I think I belong in therapy....but it's Antigua.....

Peace, Love, and Blessings

Aversion to Intimacy

In January 2011, I was asked: "Do you have an aversion to sex?" At the time I answered warily, not really knowing the answer but anxious to get out of the position I was in. Since then I have taken the time to analyze myself, and came to the realization that I do, or did. From there I decided to dig for the reason behind this aversion, and was awaken to the broader aversion to intimacy in its entirety.

I hate being touched. I feel uncomfortable unless the person touching me is emotionally intimate with me and even then, if I am not in the perfect mood, it will irritate me on a level that is incomprehensible to most. 

I hate being lifted, taken off my feet. I fear falling, being too heavy, toppling myself and the lifter. I fear being awkward, having my body contorted in the wrong way while being lifted. This though not directly linked to the aversion it is mentioned since lifting seems to be one of the actions males as of late are enthralled by.

Added to the above, my fear extends to verbal/emotional intimacy. Expressing how I feel about, in, towards a situation or person in a face-to-face encounter orally is near crippling. 

And yet, I still manage to feel the need for companionship, a touch, and expressing emotion in person to someone. It's unfortunate. However,  the mammoth problem here is that I don't know why I feel about and react to these things in the way that I do. There are a couple of possible explanations which have been dismissed on technicalities.

In other news: 한국은 공부해요.  (Google it --> hangukeun kongbuhaeyo.)

I Need to Move On

I waited
I waited
I damn well waited
For you to touch me
With care
With love
With heart
With meaning

I waited.
I waited...
I...waited
For your damn ass to come the hell around
With Patience
With Love
With Peace
With blessings

And you
You
Have the gall
To come tell me
That I am
Just a tease
For whom
You
A) Waited
B) Courted
And C) Waited for some more?

And me
Yeah
The one
Who thought
She was waiting
What the hell was I doing

Damn!
Dicktease
Nigga please.
I'm done with this shit