This Isn't Me

Too often I sit to type an article, and I either find something else to do that brings me calm and peace or I daydream. I hate what I'm doing I think often, and often I recall four months ago when I said I'd just go to the first meeting and then dump out, and then leaving the meeting psyched that it would be a different paper. For awhile I was pleased. It was nice.

But then I read an article I wrote for which the attitude was changed and the paper began peeling itself so that added attitude, and political direction was found within its pages more and more. As it shed, I've walked farther and farther from it emotionally. And unlike most my emotions and I are tied. My job and I are tied to each other.

I was instructed to separate myself. But how do I truly separate myself from my job? A job which requires me to be alert at all times no matter where I am. To do my job at the best of my ability. I must be able to pick out what is going to be the next important factor. So how can I separate who I am from what I do especially when my writing has always been who I am.

I have lost all interest in writing the news. It does not simply depress me from the angle that the information is damning but also from the angle that my voice isn't my own, that my point-f-view must fit into the confines of a specific political view.

Now I can't say that anyone has ever told me this outrightly. But the attitudinal change made to the above mentioned article a few months ago showed me that. The topics which are chosen, the angles which are requested...they ell the story. I can feel my spirit being silence, stifled, muffled.

This isn't me. If I am to do a job where I am to use my talent. I must be able to speak the truth as I see it, unbiased, without political direction, and simply for the betterment of the population: the underprivileged child, the struggling family. They are who I see. They are the ones I intend to be the voice of, and for, not a political party whose aim is to regain power.

I care not of the party. I care for the people I care for the country. I care for the future, the best future that I can help to happen.

So...writing depresses me. Every time I must write an article for the newspaper I fall deeper into a feeling of being controlled, guided like an animal, quietened lie a disobedient child, and my writing fails because my mind closes to a point where I don't even feel like making my skill better just so it can be used to direct people in a direction that I am so thoroughly against.

Note, that I am not taking a stand against any party simply against the attitude of shedding light only on the dark side of things. Now one might say well you need to know the bad. I agree. But you also need to know the good. A view of every side is a necessity. I foresee things because I have a view of which takes in the light and dark side. And this helps because the light has dark areas, and the dark has light areas, and at times these pockets of light in dark and dark in light are what give you a better idea of the whole being hidden.

So it depresses me writing for the paper, this aper more than news usually depresses me. I hope t find a brighter side soon.

Wish me luck. Send me prayers