Resting

I should be resting. But I am not. I should be preparing for the National Novel Writing Month and writing the first entry of a blog soon to be released. But I have done neither.

On the up hand I have updated and am updating two blogs :-D yay me!!! Lol

I'm still extremely stuffy with a disheartening and distracting headache. Tomorrow I'll arise from my bed, help out with the laundry which will take some four hours or so. Unfortunately some rain is expected tomorrow which will make it a bit harder with the lack of a dryer.

Nevertheless prayers will be sent up to the Father as they are on such days and always with them expectancy and faith.

I've probably be frequenting this blog a little less while I focus on yet another new blog. This one will be entirely focus on my NaNo-ing adventure.

Peace,
Shaziane

Tackling

I've been tackling the flu symptoms from the week's beginning. I've went through this week feeling down and pushing through. At this point I can be sick without it showing in my eyes. That took focus at first but I can pull it off effortlessly now. That is both good and bad. There is no excessive sympathy...and there's no sympathy. They seriously don't know I feel as bad as or worse than they do. *Sigh* Oh well. I did work for this.

There are several things in my palm but I'll mention that which has passed. On Tuesday, I graded and was elevated. Thank God. Wednesday, I fulfill my plans to visit ABIIT and I must say the workers in the administration section were extremely friendly, helpful and capable. I was shocked. I've never seen such an easy-going friendliness in one organization. Wow! I like them.

This morning I began writing this post(entry). The first few sentences were written in different manner. I lost the prevous beginnings and for that reason I'll hurry this bit.

Things in my palm:


1. NaNo prepping
2. Literary Festival
3. Memorizing a piece
4. Kumite training - mindset, body training
5. Trying to wrap my mind around several things

The Beauty of People

Why do black people have to be so difficult?

I asked you one simple question directly related to work, my work. I cannot function properly: answering customers questions if I don't have the information and you just act like a crazy bitch off meds with pms. Seriously, it's work. Get over yourself. Geez!

I came to work an indifferent mood. The first customer of the morning want 500 bottles. I'm energized so that went by faster than usual. Now you have to mess up my entire morning?

Most difficult damn people to deal with. Then we have a problem when persons say "black people". Fine. I'll change "black idiots". Damn. Lovely headache. I always enjoy a good one first thing in the morning.

Guy has attitude and to spare. But that's not my problem. My problem is people not fuming at, to or on the folks who anger them. But rather acting like bitches, idiots, little girls when they don't get their way.

Feeling Good

Early in the day (yesterday), I really felt burdened, stressed. The world could have crashed and burned and it would lay beside me in misery.

I don't take things lightly most times and this was no different. I passed through the morning angry, disturbed, depressed, soaked in despair.

Fortunately I was able to lose myself in a book at several intervals and use music as a push in completing the things I set out to do. Each was completed by the end of the day.

Of course there's always something else left to do but I won't worry about that today, my day off.

Between the end of the work day and the beginning of karate I'd tripped out of the stupor with the help of my mother (and also Erie). I felt much better

Karate was extremely good though I wished I'd pushed myself more. I'm hoping I get through the grading and pass. My ankles and knees are acting up a bit but not too much that I'll have to sit out.

Oddly enough, Sensei hasn't said I won't or will but I'm rather confident. How odd? Neither am I nervous. What Shakeema said around the time of the last grading proved to be right and helped greatly.

I asked her about being nervous. She responded that she wasn't because she found it unnecessary. This intrigued me simply in the way she said it. Being pushed she continued explaining that at first she'd been nervous, after the first something happened (I don't quite remember what) and she wasn't nervous and she did just as well. Realizing that the nervousness didn't do her any good and everything went as well or better without it she relaxed and apparently hasn't been nervous about a grading since.

It's simplicity reigns above all but it took her saying it in the way she said it for me to get over my nervousness (in karate).

Today I've got a few things to do. Hopefully I do complete them both leisure and work.

Preparing for Sunday's Grading and Fashion Show

Preparing for NaNo, researching

Sleeping

Watching Expendables

Locating a few certificates

Planning a few other things

Semi-budgeting

Shaziane

It's weird

After reading my last blog post a lot of memories and feelings have been brought once again to the fore.

I found the first few sentences laughable. Then as I continued reading I remembered how I felt. I remembered that I still have feelings for and are easily hurt by him and he doesn't seem to care. He toys with me continuously on his whim. It's even more weird that I have extremely strong feelings for another guy anyway that's not my reason for my being here.

I'm extremely stressed and I don't feel as though I can handle the steps that need to be taken to resolve the issues at hand. At the moment I feel very helpless, completely helpless.

As of December 31, 2010 I will no more have a job. I am expected to enroll in a local institution which specialises in technology. At present my monthly income stands at approximately $414 excluding home related bills. These are all things I feel necessary for the smooth running of my emotional and physical self. How am I going to deal with that? Where am I to find the funds to continue without altering? In addition Tiny has now decided to move ahead and begin building. It has and continues to anger and unsettle me.

I know what I will be doing in the next ten years. I will be a full blown writer. But at present there are things blocking my way simply for the sake of blocking me. My father doesn't think writing will sustain me and doesn't see it as being real. He chooses to deal with that by forcing me into a direction I am not interested in, in a manner in which he would like. I find technology interesting, but not as a main or secondary. I am interested in it as I am interested in most other things not simply on a surface level but to understand the things, the people it impacts.

I feel very stressed. I feel very helpless. There are opportunities which I can't jump at presently, but that isn't a problem. I've advanced without seeing those opportunities before. The problems are the blockades which threaten to shatter my sanity. I feel as though I'm going crazy as though I'm losing myself.

I feel trapped in a pool of insanity. I don't know how to respond. With no funds my hands are completely tied behind my back.

The plan which needs to be executed following what others want:


Apply to ABIIT;

•Proof of high school graduation acceptable proof of graduation includes a standard high school diploma or a general equivalency diploma (GED).
•Proof of nationality – Passport.
•Official High School Transcript.
•CXC certificate.
•Antigua State College Transcript and certificate.
•Any other related certificate or transcript for institutions of higher learning with credits you wish to transfer to ABIIT.

•Non-refundable admissions application fee of $20.00.


Get a drivers licence (because the place is pretty far and the hours are odd):

$150 - three more lessons
$100 - driving test

(I don't have this amount of money. I'm supposed to be saving!)

Find my damn passport or get a new one and I don't know how or where I lost it.


Quit karate:

I don't have the money to continue and with Tiny taking the leap she won't be able to pay for it either.

Get a damn job without anyone knowing.

Shaziane