It's weird

After reading my last blog post a lot of memories and feelings have been brought once again to the fore.

I found the first few sentences laughable. Then as I continued reading I remembered how I felt. I remembered that I still have feelings for and are easily hurt by him and he doesn't seem to care. He toys with me continuously on his whim. It's even more weird that I have extremely strong feelings for another guy anyway that's not my reason for my being here.

I'm extremely stressed and I don't feel as though I can handle the steps that need to be taken to resolve the issues at hand. At the moment I feel very helpless, completely helpless.

As of December 31, 2010 I will no more have a job. I am expected to enroll in a local institution which specialises in technology. At present my monthly income stands at approximately $414 excluding home related bills. These are all things I feel necessary for the smooth running of my emotional and physical self. How am I going to deal with that? Where am I to find the funds to continue without altering? In addition Tiny has now decided to move ahead and begin building. It has and continues to anger and unsettle me.

I know what I will be doing in the next ten years. I will be a full blown writer. But at present there are things blocking my way simply for the sake of blocking me. My father doesn't think writing will sustain me and doesn't see it as being real. He chooses to deal with that by forcing me into a direction I am not interested in, in a manner in which he would like. I find technology interesting, but not as a main or secondary. I am interested in it as I am interested in most other things not simply on a surface level but to understand the things, the people it impacts.

I feel very stressed. I feel very helpless. There are opportunities which I can't jump at presently, but that isn't a problem. I've advanced without seeing those opportunities before. The problems are the blockades which threaten to shatter my sanity. I feel as though I'm going crazy as though I'm losing myself.

I feel trapped in a pool of insanity. I don't know how to respond. With no funds my hands are completely tied behind my back.

The plan which needs to be executed following what others want:


Apply to ABIIT;

•Proof of high school graduation acceptable proof of graduation includes a standard high school diploma or a general equivalency diploma (GED).
•Proof of nationality – Passport.
•Official High School Transcript.
•CXC certificate.
•Antigua State College Transcript and certificate.
•Any other related certificate or transcript for institutions of higher learning with credits you wish to transfer to ABIIT.

•Non-refundable admissions application fee of $20.00.


Get a drivers licence (because the place is pretty far and the hours are odd):

$150 - three more lessons
$100 - driving test

(I don't have this amount of money. I'm supposed to be saving!)

Find my damn passport or get a new one and I don't know how or where I lost it.


Quit karate:

I don't have the money to continue and with Tiny taking the leap she won't be able to pay for it either.

Get a damn job without anyone knowing.

Shaziane