So Tired But I'm Moving

You're there and yet you aren't and I cannot handle the inconsistency.

You tempt me and then push me in the direction of some unknown as though I should be aware of something that's not really there and all I'm really ever asking for is you.

But you can't see...you refuse to see what you've already seen.

I'm tired of loving you...tired of loving...I'm tired

I'm tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling helpless, worthless, as though I might lose, as though I am losing, tired of fearing, feeling afraid of my failure, of failing again because I feel that if I do. I am tired of feeling tired despite all of my resting and tired of waking in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep.

I feel so empty, emotional, immature, hurt, and a little stupid. I could act smarter.

I should write but truthfully I don't feel like it. I considered changing for you but I go through enough changes without changing for the pleasure of others...as if you would notice. It's ridiculous how vulnerable I feel when it comes to males that I like. It's even ridiculous how I'm so unsure about if what I'm feeling is real.

I'll write. I need to. It's not only my sanity. But I've also got a competition coming up. So I will.

I'll write because I intend to better 2010 with 2011. To put it simply I have to win every contest I entered in 2010 especially those I didn't win. Though I won a section of the Wadadli Pen Prize Competition, I have to win it overall this year.

So here I come first competition of the year.


Soon to come is this year's resolution. Last year's expires in March.


Peace & Love

Shaziane

This Weekend

Over the course of this weekend, something amazing happened. I went through a number of changes, had several mood swings and managed to exit with wings.

On Friday, I had the desire to be desired and I wasn't in the least bit. I wasted a large amount of time thinking and rethinking, formulating and discarding, reasons and solutions. I still wasn't desired. My time had been wasted.

On Saturday, I could not sleep. I pined and pined and pined. For over four hours was I twisted and tossed while trying desperately to close my mind. My thoughts refused to settle. Yet again my time had produced nothing but anxiety.

It had made me sick. I had to do something. I made my move. A sooty boot was my reward. But with my answer before me my mood only worsened.

This was ridiculous. Over a guy? I made a few mental notes and kept going over them. If I made a wrong move I could doom myself forever. Eventually I realized that the life I was living was already doomed.

For some umpteenth time I recalled three months of absolute peace, happiness, love in self and I yearned for such a feeling. A feeling never experienced before and only when I had tossed all care aside. I wanted that and so I decided to truly abandon the search for the guy who can deal with the moody, depressing swings that I know.

Truthfully, the times when I'm most depressed is when I'm in the game. I just might be a little too old for the game, or maybe, I am a little too lazy to play it. Either way, this is the official sign off.

I am twenty-one years old, and I have stopped dating.

Sunday was interesting. After waking early in the morning and finding some interesting gals to follow on Twitter what I found even more interesting in how strangely normal I am in the emotional department or how weird they are. It was pleasing to see and experience.

I returned to bed for several hours, woke before seven am., and began the regular sunday chores. I wasn't feeling happy and I cannot describe how I felt but I am aware that something had changed. By this evening I was completely happy. Staring into a mirror I glowed till my eyes sparkled with tears. I'd regained that joy for those months and I'm ready to be me.

Beautiful isn't just another word. It is who I am.

I am twenty-one and I have stopped dating.

Shaziane C
Peace & Love
God Bless