This Weekend

Over the course of this weekend, something amazing happened. I went through a number of changes, had several mood swings and managed to exit with wings.

On Friday, I had the desire to be desired and I wasn't in the least bit. I wasted a large amount of time thinking and rethinking, formulating and discarding, reasons and solutions. I still wasn't desired. My time had been wasted.

On Saturday, I could not sleep. I pined and pined and pined. For over four hours was I twisted and tossed while trying desperately to close my mind. My thoughts refused to settle. Yet again my time had produced nothing but anxiety.

It had made me sick. I had to do something. I made my move. A sooty boot was my reward. But with my answer before me my mood only worsened.

This was ridiculous. Over a guy? I made a few mental notes and kept going over them. If I made a wrong move I could doom myself forever. Eventually I realized that the life I was living was already doomed.

For some umpteenth time I recalled three months of absolute peace, happiness, love in self and I yearned for such a feeling. A feeling never experienced before and only when I had tossed all care aside. I wanted that and so I decided to truly abandon the search for the guy who can deal with the moody, depressing swings that I know.

Truthfully, the times when I'm most depressed is when I'm in the game. I just might be a little too old for the game, or maybe, I am a little too lazy to play it. Either way, this is the official sign off.

I am twenty-one years old, and I have stopped dating.

Sunday was interesting. After waking early in the morning and finding some interesting gals to follow on Twitter what I found even more interesting in how strangely normal I am in the emotional department or how weird they are. It was pleasing to see and experience.

I returned to bed for several hours, woke before seven am., and began the regular sunday chores. I wasn't feeling happy and I cannot describe how I felt but I am aware that something had changed. By this evening I was completely happy. Staring into a mirror I glowed till my eyes sparkled with tears. I'd regained that joy for those months and I'm ready to be me.

Beautiful isn't just another word. It is who I am.

I am twenty-one and I have stopped dating.

Shaziane C
Peace & Love
God Bless