Failed

I am so pissed. Why the hell can't I create? Why am I failing so badly? I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry beyond measure. I knew I would fail. I accepted it the moment I realized and still it hurt so damn bad. Why? Why am I in so much pain over a fail? This is ridiculous. I am angry.

Yes, I promised I wouldn't failed again and it's art we're talking about and it hurts that I could be so ridiculous. It hurts that I can pass everything else and fail the art related course it hurts in every possible way that it could. This feels like a betrayal of self. Do you know what it is to betray you?

I am at a halt, a stop with no doors, no leaks, nothing that allo9ws breathing, and nothing that allows me to move in my own mind.

I feel like screaming. A good scream would be worthwhile. It would get me somewhere. I need to get out of this box. I need to be released from this trap within my own mind. I need this freedom and I need it now.

The Gall

Where do people find such gall to slander my name?

Are the backbones of the masses dissolving or disappearing?

Have these people no conscience?

Fine. Let me be real with you. My ex after a year and about eight months after our biggest break up he decides to blame me for problems of his after he had the gall to text me on our unofficial anniversary to say that he remembers it AND that he has been dating another chick on the same island as me for OVER a month when we had not been apart for two months yet.

Egotistical

Me? Seriously?

The first definition which might stand out in your mind is "to think highly of one's self". Now, if that is the case I would not generally be classed under such an umbrella simply because it's just not the way I portray myself. I do think highly of my work and talents though I need to focus and practice more than I do at this moment. But egotistical is not a word associated with me. I do not think of myself as being any higher than other nor do I think of others as being any higher than myself. This leaves us all on the same plain.

For this reason it was odd hearing that I was. It shocked me completely. There had to be another meaning for the word that I was unaware of right? There isn't. They all come down to one thing: being utterly selfish.

I do not see how that conclusion was made but I will try my best to be a bit more humble. It can't hurt.

I've wondered. Is it my refusal to give up, let things be, move on after you've told me you're not interested which makes you feel that way? I don't know. But I should say this. It is not my ego which makes me think that you will give in, rather it is a simple hope that you will somehow love me and my imperfections, somehow. Because truthfully, I often wonder how someone will love me as me. I often wonder.

And then this might seem contradictory to my previous entry in which I've stated that I closed my book on dating. It is not. This is the reason for it. I am tired of looking for that which I cannot find: love that I love which loves me back as I it. It is tiring playing this game, and though I have set it within myself to refrain from dating and the like. Though I have repeated it. I my heart still calls, my skin still tingles, my love still burns beneath these unwanted ashes.

In other news, I am busy, moody, tired, sleep and should be doing the homework which I actually got up to do. At the moment I am in a much better mood than the passed few days. I feel motivated and we'll see about increasing the frequency of these posts/entries.

Peace, Love, Blessings

Shaziane

So Hurt But I'm Moving

It's not as though I'm going back on my words. But nonetheless it still hurts and nonetheless I am still moving.

Peace & Love

Shaziane