Egotistical

Me? Seriously?

The first definition which might stand out in your mind is "to think highly of one's self". Now, if that is the case I would not generally be classed under such an umbrella simply because it's just not the way I portray myself. I do think highly of my work and talents though I need to focus and practice more than I do at this moment. But egotistical is not a word associated with me. I do not think of myself as being any higher than other nor do I think of others as being any higher than myself. This leaves us all on the same plain.

For this reason it was odd hearing that I was. It shocked me completely. There had to be another meaning for the word that I was unaware of right? There isn't. They all come down to one thing: being utterly selfish.

I do not see how that conclusion was made but I will try my best to be a bit more humble. It can't hurt.

I've wondered. Is it my refusal to give up, let things be, move on after you've told me you're not interested which makes you feel that way? I don't know. But I should say this. It is not my ego which makes me think that you will give in, rather it is a simple hope that you will somehow love me and my imperfections, somehow. Because truthfully, I often wonder how someone will love me as me. I often wonder.

And then this might seem contradictory to my previous entry in which I've stated that I closed my book on dating. It is not. This is the reason for it. I am tired of looking for that which I cannot find: love that I love which loves me back as I it. It is tiring playing this game, and though I have set it within myself to refrain from dating and the like. Though I have repeated it. I my heart still calls, my skin still tingles, my love still burns beneath these unwanted ashes.

In other news, I am busy, moody, tired, sleep and should be doing the homework which I actually got up to do. At the moment I am in a much better mood than the passed few days. I feel motivated and we'll see about increasing the frequency of these posts/entries.

Peace, Love, Blessings

Shaziane