Change happens, happen with it or happen back

He kinda made me change my mind. I hate it. I'd like what I can't have. I hate it. It hurts. And...I hate that too. The feminine dependence has return and it's a trait that you know by now...that I hate.

Kiss me like you need to. Touch me like your begging to hear me. Speak to me like it's your last wish.

I sing. I dance. I shake a little ass.

I really thought I was off this train for good. Then I decided to pray for what's best...and the pain returned. And I am here feeling feelings which seem so pointless, which seem as though they have no meaning. I've accepted the pain. Really I have: but do I have to be subject to feeling like subordinate to someone who can't sense my existence? Then again I should be clear on this. So I'm retracting that question, because I am not and do not feel subordinate to anyone. What I do however feel is the need to be in constant contact: verbal, physical, to know of the well being of the body and psyche. I feel responsible for and yet dependent on someone which I should only classify as a simple idea which exists only within the bounds of my mind and maybe my heart if this entire thing isn't a mind trick played on me by that which I've fed myself over the years mingled with a bit of truth.

But as has been stated and restated over the last couple of days: we use our pains to create magnificence which has the power to lead others to freedom. It feels good to once again make such quotes, phrases what have you. And with all of this built-up, unsettled, dangerous debris flying...it feels good to be back.

I hadn't thought of writing this before but it might be god to note for later use. I need to figure out a way to deal with people who are using and abusing me without isolating myself in a manner that stifles...me.

Did I forget to post the review for Little Bee until seconds ago, just before publishing this? Yes, yes I did. Accept my humble apology. It has yet to be typed and I have been busy emotionally and otherwise. Excuses, excuses they seem to be reigning. (Pun intended.) It'll be posted tomorrow. ;-)

Peace & Love

Blessings

Sincerely,
Shaziane

Relationship and Trust

I am afraid of relationships.

I've given them a try: boyfriend/girlfriend and best friend situations and my value/trust system does not seem to coincide with anyone else's. Trust does not seem to be an aspect which is celebrated and neither is loyalty. For that reason I find it hard to believe in people. I find it terribly difficult to say I'll give you my all because I don't even know if what I'm getting is even you and I pride myself on being real, trustworthy and loyal and they are traits which I need to be/have reciprocated.

Loyalty/Trust Issues:

1) Dating an ex's friend isn't forbidden. It is simply non-existent.

2) Tossing in a person's insecurities into the mix while arguing (esp in a crowd) is unacceptable.

3) Using faults of another to ascend, heartless.

There are any others but I refuse to dwell on them at this moment.

Next, and probably most important is my inability to simply accept and live in the moment entirely. It is virtually impossible for me to see a squint of the eyes and not question it. Most actions and reactions are scrutinised as I try to find the raw feelings beneath and I get lost. Knowing the disloyalty of humans keeps me from trusting and truly accepting anything at face value.

I met a man: a gorgeous man with a brilliant, searching and creative mind. He was different. His thought process complimented mine and though his age did not and he did not see me as his match, I could not help but think that he was/is. But I have thought about a possible relationship with him in the case that he changed his mind only to realize that such a thing would never work because I cannot live without questioning. So I have released the man with the beautiful mind and I wish him the best in life and love, but I'll always hold him dear and I hope with as much hope that I can that I can be and stay his friend and maybe sometime close to forever even a dear friend.

I'll pray that he lives a long, full and healthy life, that he finds a woman with whom he can mesh, who will love his scars as her own and vice versa. I wish them well (when he finds her).

I sound a little crazy and I am aware of it. ;-)
Sincerely,
Shaziane

Apology and Update

For the lack of coherence and spirit in the last two entries do forgive me. They were started in the height of passion and business. At that point I jotted what I could and pitifully it wasn't enough to do any of the entries justice really but I promise to make it up to you and I'm becoming better with promised.

On another note, I finished Chris Cleave's Little Bee which I'll be reading an excerpt from at the event mentioned earlier in twenty-four hours and considering how slowly I've been reading lately and how out of focus I've been that's a great this. (< That sentence is too long. Never do that.) I'll be writing a review for you after the next two entries.

Once again sorry and you are invited to Best of Book, Friars Hill Road, 5-6;30pm, Thursday 14, April 2011.

Love & Blessings.

Sleep well.

Truth (Art)

Truth: The first occupation I really felt, that made me happy just thinking about it (though I've never done it per se) is acting. I was young and I knew it's non-existent in ANU. From there I turned to writing and it seems my horizon keeps broadening in the arts which brings me to the realisation that I just 'might' find myself acting (on a very serious note) in the future....

And if any of you are in the area come to B.O.B Friars Hill Rd 5 - 6:30 where local authors will be reading from selected books and their own work in support of the US National Library Week.
Sincerely,
Shaziane

So Special

You are so special to me.

My first manual thoughts in sadness as I wake are to you. In falling it is the same. As happiness abodes nothing changes. It hurts to feel such a significant attachment to someone to whom I am so insignificant, pointless, non-existent.

"Outside Looking In"
Jordan Pruitt

You don't know my name
you don't know anything about me
I try to play nice
I want to be in your game
The things that you say
You may think I never hear about them
But word travels fast
I'm telling you to your face
I'm standing here behind your back

[Chorus:]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

If you could read my mind
You might see more of me than meets the eye
And you've been all wrong
Not who you think I am
You've never given me a chance

[Chorus:]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Well, I'm tired of staying at home
I'm bored and all alone
I'm sick of wasting all my time

[Chorus (x2):]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Pitifully, that's not just for my love life...it's for everything.

Sincerely,
Shaziane

With You

When I'm with you time seems to change. The minutes before and after are separated from our meeting by an eternity.

It's weird how I fall in love with you all over again whenever we interact. It feels a little like insanity...one that I'm addicted to.

I hate how dependent I am on you without even knowing you. It's ridiculous how I feel like running into your arms whenever I run into any problem. I run to you first, only and we aren't even friends. We are hardly acquaintances. I have never felt so drawn to anyone else.

You remind me of myself. The parts the I dearly love. Then there parts that are so uniquely you which I wish to explore, some parts which I desire to imitate.

If there ever was a chance this would have been it. But I have accepted what is already and there's no going back. Love in this world (the romantic kind) does not give back only work does.

I'm getting to the point of full acceptance and I think being simple friends will get me far along my desired path.

I finally read a piece at this year's open mic session. It was nerve racking but fulfilling as well. It felt quite good in the end.

Blessings,
Shaziane

Retracting: The Gall

So apparently, I am not being blamed for the breakdown. It's good.

My anger has been diffused but my worrying has been heightened. I can't 'just' hang with him or he might make a move or even think that there might be a chance. Trading on for the other.

I thought...

I thought I was special. I thought that there was something in which set me apart from the rest.

She said I should ask. I didn't expect that answer. I didn't expect to be told in such clear terms that I was nothing: just another unremarkable painting in a chipped and charred frame, used to shield, hide, distract. I thought I was more than pastry for the sight, and I wasn't even that. I wish I'd never asked. She isn't in pain. She isn't broken. I should never have asked.

I came out of one depression last week over failing an exam, to fall into another over some human being. I prayed and with the help of God redeemed the grade only to ask a seemingly insignificant question. How glorious it is to fall in a bottomless pit where wounds remain wounds.

It's odd how I've been feeling so down about this. It's odd how I could let this be the doorway for my sadness, my depression when I truly mena that little to you.

I thought....wrong. And apparently it's the norm. Apparently it is fully accepted by all even her. It's the okay thing to do. Okay hurts a lot. I thought some things were scared. I thought I was one of those things. But again I thought wrong.