Relationship and Trust

I am afraid of relationships.

I've given them a try: boyfriend/girlfriend and best friend situations and my value/trust system does not seem to coincide with anyone else's. Trust does not seem to be an aspect which is celebrated and neither is loyalty. For that reason I find it hard to believe in people. I find it terribly difficult to say I'll give you my all because I don't even know if what I'm getting is even you and I pride myself on being real, trustworthy and loyal and they are traits which I need to be/have reciprocated.

Loyalty/Trust Issues:

1) Dating an ex's friend isn't forbidden. It is simply non-existent.

2) Tossing in a person's insecurities into the mix while arguing (esp in a crowd) is unacceptable.

3) Using faults of another to ascend, heartless.

There are any others but I refuse to dwell on them at this moment.

Next, and probably most important is my inability to simply accept and live in the moment entirely. It is virtually impossible for me to see a squint of the eyes and not question it. Most actions and reactions are scrutinised as I try to find the raw feelings beneath and I get lost. Knowing the disloyalty of humans keeps me from trusting and truly accepting anything at face value.

I met a man: a gorgeous man with a brilliant, searching and creative mind. He was different. His thought process complimented mine and though his age did not and he did not see me as his match, I could not help but think that he was/is. But I have thought about a possible relationship with him in the case that he changed his mind only to realize that such a thing would never work because I cannot live without questioning. So I have released the man with the beautiful mind and I wish him the best in life and love, but I'll always hold him dear and I hope with as much hope that I can that I can be and stay his friend and maybe sometime close to forever even a dear friend.

I'll pray that he lives a long, full and healthy life, that he finds a woman with whom he can mesh, who will love his scars as her own and vice versa. I wish them well (when he finds her).

I sound a little crazy and I am aware of it. ;-)
Sincerely,
Shaziane