Feb 8, 2012 - I'm tired, I don't have to be perfect, but I not a devil either

If there is something which can make me miserable my mother will without a doubt do it. But whatever she does she'll do it in such a way that she still appears to be a good person and that none would be the wiser.

So this morning as she gets into the vehicle I'm on the phone and she begins with "You're distracting me. I cannot concentrate when you're on the phone."

Now this would be a valid point if she was not accustomed to text, speaking on the phone, and talking to the passenger (sometimes all at once) while driving. This not an exaggeration. Do all of them at the same time is rare but she has done it. I've spoken to her about it and she has ignored me. So this concern of hers was in reality groundless except for the fact that it was to disturb me and the conversation I was having.

She continued by saying I had not helped her to get in to the vehicle. I don't usually help her, she is not handicapped.

Her main aim for most of our relationship has been to make me appear to be a terrible person. She complains that I make her late. However when I am not with her she still arrives late. I've asked her to wake an hour earlier than she does. She refused saying it was pointless. I go to b ed four hours after she does almost nightly and wake an hour before her. I iron my clothing at night at her bequest and to make it easier on myself I do it all on a Sunday evening so that I am not in her way. It would one may guess allow her to do her ironing nightly. But she does not. What she does however is complain that I stay up too late and never help her in the kitchen. Now if she did iron at night she wouldn't need help.

I do try to help though. But whenever I do she finds a need to be in the kitchen, redoing, complaining and out-rightly getting in my way.

I am sick of being told of all my evils when truly they are not: I'm sick of being told I never help when I do; I'm sick of being told how lazy I am, when I'm not; I'm sick of being treated as though I should mother my brother when she decides to go out with friends, and then have her tell me I can't even help him when I do, I am sick of being up late and staying up later to wait on her to come back in the early morning hours when she complains about me going out an d coming back at twelve; I am sick and tired of her acting as though I'm suppose to be a child at one instance and then a grown-up at the other; I'm sick and tired of her self-righteous attitude; I am sick and tired of trying to be good, trying to keep in her good graces, trying to seal myself in from the world to please her while still trying to live so that I can better myself and be a good artist; I am sick and tired of being silent an d having her continue, using tactics to irritate and tempt me to sin. I am tired and I am finished. I have nothing else to wait for. Living with her has not made any better of a person.

I actually miss my grandmother because she would have stood up for me when she felt that my mother had went overboard: pointed out that all the fault wasn't my own.

I hate that she curses me to bits in the mornings from the house to my drop-off point then has the gall to send an "I love you" text during the day, call like everything's okay, pick me up and talk about her day, and depending on my response curse that I talk to much or that she has to listen to my day when I'm not listening to hers. I'm tired of actually listening but because I don't say "okay" she feel compelled to lecture me about not making her know I'm listening when she does the same thing with me.

I'm sick of being on the phone and have her say something related to giving out her home business by being on the phone beside her when she does the same because it is truly pointless.

I sick of being depressed and having to fight her within my mind. I sick of being sick and her not believing or caring and her over-exaggerating small pains like that of menstruation. Of course, those pains are extreme but I've had them too and without her help and her acting like nothing is wrong with me I've gotten over them. Along with those I've gotten over three month migraines which she refuses to call migraines because I wasn't vomiting wasn't classified by her as one, having whatever it was that I had which caused me to forget things in seconds, lose focus in the same span, get numb, lightheaded and other pains which come and go for whatever reason.

I'm tired of her acting as though I'm free-loading because though I mostly am, $100 which she gets weekly does help and I don't need to be feeling like I owe her when I don't.

I question if I should really love her as a mother. She engages in devilish acts on a regular basis and treats me as though I'm hell-bbound and she's the angel who has come to change me.

I really don't care now. Or I hope I don't. I am hurt, simply put and before it comes to me think that suicide or marriage is the only hope I'm moving out. I'm find a job unattached to any family and hopefully friend and I'm renting a house and moving out.

I'm unaccustomed to catching the bus and a number of other things. But in light of how I live now, I really don't care. I'm frustrated.