I keep thinking

I keep thinking that I am more important than I actually am to persons. I've made a habit of doing idiotic things in the name of being symbolic, special in the lives of people who truthfully see me as nothing more than nothing. Because everyone means more than they should to me.

Pity. Stupid little girl I am

I Need To Grow Into My Skin

It is rather amazing and ridiculous to think that as an adult I have not accepted who I am on a level which encompasses my entire being: physically, spiritual, mental and social.

On a regular basis for the last two months I've noted just how out of sync I feel with person how I thought were so similar in thought patterns and actions. In a one-on-one situation everything is fine all around. However when any other part is introduced I'm thrown out. In the literal sense, I am asked to leave or I am simply ignored. It feels terribly damning. It shouldn't but it does. I should know this and how to deal with it but I don't. It has happened before, many times in fact. But I've generally ignored it, continued as though nothing has changed. It feels awful and I hate feeling as though I'm an outsider in a place I thought I could call 'home', in the company of people who understand me and who I am. But apparently the only place I should call home is me.

So I'm taking my Georgie-bungle for the umpteenth time and reverting to the blunt and anti-social. They work so well. They feel so warm when I'm in their company and more so confident.  Nothing beats feeling in your own skin when in your own skin....

(There are to many "but's" and "I's" in this post.)

In the next post I'll be reviewing Refuge Boy by Benjamin Zephaniah which I've completed reading for several days but have been too busy to do. I'm happier, freer and apparent I have less people to worry about. (y). I am well. I am tired. And blogging just so I can write, though this really doesn't count in the least.

May Your Ashes Burn Well

I know that I'm soft. I am aware that I take things too seriously. I am fully aware that I am forever in the state of over reacting. But I also know when you're treating me in a manner that you do not treat anyone else. I know when you're disrespecting me, because it hurts. A large number of people seem to have it engraved somewhere within their minds that they, without my knowledge, own me, my decisions, and abilities. Often I am belittle because someone else is always better than me. Though I may take it, act as though it is nothing. It is and I am finally tired enough to walk away from all the crap. I am finally tired enough to stop taking people's attitude for the sake of having company and feeling normal. It's not worth feeling normal if all normal is, is feeling terribly worthless when you're around people who you kinda or should feel open around. I'm threw having "friends". It is much better to be despised and have people treat you with disrespect than to have people who befriend within your own m,ind treat you with the same disrespect. It feels like the billionth time that I'm coming to this conclusion. But this time I'm doing something about it. I am moving away from everyone who degrades me in anyway. If you can't help me feel better about myself and actually keep up wit the charade around people you'd like to seem cool with, what's the point of a so-called relationship. Breathing, Stretching, Shaking let it go Ashes to Ashes Dust to dust I'm doing what I must

To the Few Who Are Many

Initially this was written to help a friend. However she doesn't require my help. But since it's written I'm posting it to help anyone else who needs this kind of help. The overall reason for your basic existence is to go to heaven. The only sin which cannot be forgiven is suicide. Repentance requires the sinner to be alive to express such a feeling and death shuts this door. No matter what happens, no matter how grave, evil, wicked, filthy or ashamed you feel, no matter how hopeless the situation is, remember that you have a second life and you have to chose whether you want to pay for those acts or have the chance to have them removed and live better than kings. It's entirely your choice: willingly burn for your sins or undo the past by turning to the Father. It's your choice. When the world is bleak, blackened by my guilt, the colour of my conscience I chalk it up to the quote: "This too shall pass." Then I find a place to scream, dwell in my own mind in silence digging for every ounce of memory from every sense, gathering the thoughts and hidden feelings that might have drove my actions. I confront the raw, untamed sections of myself and when the reason is found, decisions and goals are put in place to control the various aspects so that the internal problems are dealt with. I ensue that it will never happen again...then I sit Breathing, Slowly, Dragging air into my lungs (thinking "I am beautiful") Letting it out, (thinking "and I am a strong mind") Then push it out. I do this until the motion, until the rhythm happens on its own and a calm covers me...and I feel new, different, ready to live carefully yet freely, with a healthy, inspiring freedom. It's not as easy as the words look. There are emotional obstacles to be torn through. There are arguments to be waged within. Anger and tears to shed among other things. But once you get through them to the point where YOU decide how you are going forward: your interactions with others, how you'll respond to them about what happened and in general, the boundaries and warning signals, and get through the breathing session you should feel happier, better, as though you've grown. I hope this helps. I love you and I like who you are.