Hi I'm Here

Yes, yes I am. And in the midst of doing so I fell upon these bits of advice, which I find very useful and somewhat encouraging.

I hope they will do you some good...and myself too.

I think I'm about to begin a vlog. Hopefully. If I do. You'll know. In the mean time. You can head on over to @AntiguaArt and @Shaziane_Poetry if you would like to engage in conversation.

Vlog?

I just might vlog...just to get things out. Once I get a cam. I will begin tomorrow.

I wan t to try it as a kind of therapy and also as a way of keeping myself on track.

Hair..the heartache is over

I braided my hair and left it that way for a month. It grew out and I twisted the outer edges for about two weeks, and they locked. It surprised me big time.

I used a round-about method of removing and unlocking my hair, since I didn't have a lot of time and also since i was my first time encountering this problem. Let me clarify. My first tme realizing this problem. The frst time, I left the braid in for three months. Since my hair was extremely short when I put in the braids I didnt mind considering the grow was more than three times the length of what I lost. This time around the loss would have been much great, so my worry was amplified.

I took the braids out and by soaking the root section and where the braids began in olive oil, any oil works. That worked like a charm, and the braids slid down my hair once they had been loosened a bit. Unfortunately, I only found about this near the end. Life, huh?

I had to go work the same evening and there was no time to detangle me hair, especially since the inner sections were so so tangled and the outer edges fully locked. So I washed my hair with a mixture of moisturizing conditioner and apple cider vinegar.

I allowed my hair to air-dry. I do not use heat on my hair whatsoever. My day, a Sunday, continued with chores which should have been done earlier, bathe, prep for work.

For the last two weeks I have not combed, or detangled my hair because I had no time. What I did was spray my hair with a little water, brush the edges, tied my hair so that it comes up into a small afro

The result with a bit of comb(?) or rather fluffing with the comb after tying it is rather good and actually looks as though it is well combed. But it isn't. That image was from last week, where the edges are still locked but hidden by the band.

I tried soaking the knotted sections, in dilute apple cider vinegar(avc), and then tried to undo the lock. I lost a lot of hair. I tried soaking my hair in raw avc. The result was the same: I would get some of the hair undone, only to have it come out in my hand after a while.

Someone suggested mixing my oil conditioner with avc. My oil conditioner is olive/coconut oil and water. I ran out of coconut oil so, I used olive. So I mixed a bit of water, a lot of avc, and closer to three quarters of the avc's equivalent in olive oil. This felt weird on my fingers so I got small container of water to go with it.

I covered the locked section of my with the avc mixture. Dipped my fingers into the water and wet the locked part as well as the section of the hair that was above and below. Then I detangled from the end of the hair to the root. It was like magic. No hair loss. 

Of course I also did the inner bit which were simply overtly tangled. For those which came close to locking I use a bit of the avc mixture with the water in the same way. For those that were just tangled I used the usual damp hair first method.

If you are not aware of this learn it: never comb, or detangle your hair dry, or extremely wet. Damp, or a little wet is best.

My hair is back to the norm now: twisted. As I detangled I twisted my hair to keep it out of the way. I really though I woud have to lose my edges. It is such a relief not to!

I'm still here

Sometimes it hurts to breath
Sometimes existing is the most painful task there is

But I'm still here
And I am still fighting

It Is Hard...

written April 24, 2014

Trying to maintain a steady weight for most of my life. It is terribly difficult. Not because I can't control my hunger, not because I love food which I do, not because I don't have enough self-control.

The problem is the constant tug-of-war "Eat more", "Eat less", "You're too fat", "I can't even see you in your clothes".

When I eat, I am told I am too fat, and stop eating, as much, and then I'm told I need to be eating more because it's unhealthy. But how am I suppose to do this? When I'm my perfect weight I here about how overweight I am. There is never peace. No one ever shuts up. No one ever minds their own business. And they are always bold, as if their opinion is that important.

written some time ago....months maybe


I will never be anybody's favourite. While growing I waited for the truth about Perfect to be realized. It happened. She's no more the favourite, and I still am not. Someone else was available. So I stand as always, second-rate, and never good enough. I feel hated, dislike, a nuance, something to be disgusted at.

"When I am well being around you makes me sick. Why would I want you around me when I'm sick?"

I replay this a lot since it was said. When I hear 'I love you' from the same mouth, or get good treatment....there's always a favour to follow, our someone watching in those times...

Not being enough to be loved unconditionally is my fear. I realized it today. 

So...

I remember the days when I used to say 'Love doesn't exits' then I began saying it did. I understood what it was finally.

But I think it's time to start saying it doesn't again so that I can feel less pain. Not being loved and being despise are two very different things. And being despise by the persons you though should love you....when you can see it plainly in their eyes it's very crushing.

So label my a rebel. Because the compliant fall and die. I refuse to believe what they've told me. I refuse to go their path. So...label me a rebel. And wait for the revolution.

..New? ...Popping?

So you say...


What's new? What's popping, Shazi?

What's new......KAPOWIE

That is.

I have finally began to fuse my poetry with imagery. It feels good.

I am tired. First I'll be editing one similar to the above...because I forgot Instagram loves squares, then I'll be editing today's poemagery for my poetry blog, and a friends menu.

Then I will begin prepping for tomorrow. I go the go ahead for the Oct 26 venue which I will speak on later.

I Do, I Do...I Do Cook...Cook? Pt. 2

So I never got around to those rice flour cookies (which I was dreading) and sweet potato chips (which I was anxious to make and taste).

However, I have managed to make this yummy health treat:

Coconut Snacks

Of course...no measurements....because the only thing I measure in stove top cooking is rice. And that is slowly joining the no measuring squad.

I made this after I attempted to open a coconut which I never did before. As always the point of me being in the kitchen in to have healthy yummy fun. Coconut is god for the immune system and also gives energy, cinnamon and honey are antibacterial, cacao is like cocoa. 

I did the research for them, so I know they are good. However, you should do your own. I think it will...,may...might boost your desire to eat healthy if you do not.

Thinly sliced coconut

Shredded/Grated coconut

Cacao

Cinnamon

Coconut oil

Coconut water

Honey

In a pot heat a small amount of water. Stir the cacao into the water. Toss the shredded coconut in the pot and stir. Add the honey (to taste) and cinnamon. Keep stirring. When it thickens to the point that the mixture resembles a clump spoon the mixture a baking sheet. An inch and a half is a suitable distance. Cover with a foil or your choice material. After twenty minutes you can remove from fridge and enjoy.

When you're not consuming them. Keep them in the fridge so that they don't melt...though they are still yummy and healthy.

You may note that how I add ingredients is just crazy....but I do it on a whim.

You may also have noticed that all the ingredients have not be used. The remainder of the ingrdients go here:

After all of the mixture from the pot without cleaning the pot toss the sliced coconuts into the pot. Stir them so that they can be coated with the left over mixture. Add the coconut oil and water, and some honey as well but not too much. Keep stirring until the liquids have dried. Stir some more so that the coconut does not get stuck to the pan.

This is what I did. They both tasted very good. But looking back at it I am now wondering why infuse freshly sliced coconut with coconut oil and coconut water. Why not do it to some fruit? (Well it was all I had.)

As I was looking for a recipe similar to the first recipe with measurements I found this recipe, and thought it suitable. There's not heat required. This makes it better. However, you need a blender.

My Weird Transcends...

My weird transcends cultures, languages...

I am not normal. I know this. But to be treated exactly the same by different persons raised in different, countries, under different norms, speaking different languages makes me sad.

Maybe I notice because I'm too self-absorbed one might say. But what else would be expected of someone who really doesn't speak to anyone. It'd be plausible that such a person notices that a room goes silent upon my entrance, or that it doesn't but that my remarks go answered, and ,my statements...misunderstood.

I can't wait to meet weird people across the boundaries mentioned. Sigh. I can pretend to be normal carry on conversations a little closer to the normal people, but that requires a large amount of filtering I don't intend to do if I'm allowing you to be yourself, and calling you a friend. What's the point?

I don't know if I should be happy to know this before visiting other places...or if I would've been happier living in blissful ignorance longer.

And still...I don't wish to be normal..because I trully like me. :)

I Have A Blog?

It's hard to believe that I have multiple blogs when I can hardly keep ONE up-to-date. But I do...five of which I exported and deleted yesterday...or the day before. All of my days are fused together. I sleep a lot on some and don't sleep on others.

I've recently gotten back to WDC, though I'm not sure if I've actually gotten back. I'll have to wait a few weeks to see how active I can allow myself to be in the community. So far I've updated my blog on the site and posted two reviews which should have been given ages ago. That was not an exaggeration.

I am in the process of deciding if I should change the content of this blog. Initially I made it as a personal journal so that I could have somewhere to really put my thoughts, not my writing just how I felt about everything. I was lonely, it was perfect. Now I've moved to having a friend I can talk to and don't feel the need for this blog as much, though it does help me to align my thoughts and feelings sometimes. I can't count the number of thoughtless rants I've written and then realized my true feelings on a subject. It might still have it's purpose...hmm :)

What am I really up to?

I run Learning Korean with the Procrastinating Poet(LKPP) actively. Trying to keep it update on a tri-weekly basis is fun and can be challenging at times especially when I'm not in the mood to follow the predetermined topic schedule. In running LKPP I also manage Drama Haven(DH) which was started since Korean drama reviews would simply be too much for the main blog to handle, and Chelsea really has a lot of material. Not because the Koreans produce a lot which the do, but because she watches them like crazy. Chelsea sometimes needs a little push to get the drafts out. She has so many just sitting their. I also edit for DH. And there's also the Google+ page which is where all of our followers reside so keeping that up-to-date is a must. I really wish I had a handle on our Soundclolud and Instagram accounts, but I don't. The former has limited content and should be closed by the end of this post and the latter simply exists. Both Chels and I are pretty busy with other things. However, we like LKPP so we push it.

I am in the process of learning Korean which was the initial purpose of LKPP. Now I must keep up with the lesson and grasp the concepts well enough to teach it.

You know I desire to be a writer. I am push towards bettering my skills through practice education. Need I say more?

I've got a graphically designed research paper to execute. It's taking some time and I am desperately trying not to change my topic again. It is so hard keeping in a line!

I decided to organize another street art event. I should be keeping the twitter account updated. I don't. And starting a blog to garner interest. I haven't.

Oh...and there's a research paper I'm editing...mine...on...history. I am so serious saying history makes it sound more interesting to most people. So I will not bore you with the topic.

And now I must attend to LKPP.

I think this is one of my more decent posts in a long while both in length and content.

Comment if you are so inclined. If you would like to learn Korean. I am always open.

안녕히 가세요! (Can my computer do that too!? Go to the keyboard Settings area and select a secondary language then use Start+Spacebar to toggle. Awesome, I know.)

I Do, I Do...I Do Cook Pt. 1

I keep getting an itch to do different things in the kitchen. So last week I made this:

Fried fish on lettuce with a bit of sweet corn

It's nothing special. You simply scale, clean, season, and fry the fish. Wash a few leaves of lettuce and lay them in the plate. Place the fish on the lettuce. Sprinkle with corn.

The corn was actually boiled on the cob. However, I haven't been feeling quite up to eating it from the cob for quite some time, and decided to try seeing how I'd feel adter removing it from the cob, and it worked.

Simply place one end of the cob on a flat, clean, level surface, align the knife at the base of the corn and slide it down until it reaches the end. Turn the cob, and repeat until all of the corn is off the cob.


But I sure think this is:

Fried eggplant on a bed of lettuce with rice flour pancakes, and butternut squash soup

It looks good. Does it not? Here's how to make it.

Combine salt, sugar, baking powder, and white rice flour. Mix egg, and oil.stir the egg mixture into the rice flour. Pour the batter into the heated oil. Turn once and remove. Place on a paper towel to drain oil. You can check the recipe I followed here.

Wash and slice the eggplant(s) vertically. Toss them in grounded salted seasoning. And then toss them in flour so that it covers them. The flour will prevent the eggplant from falling apart, or sticky in the pan.the flour can also be substituted with egg. Fry until golden brown, or just lightly kissed. Remove from pan and place on paper towel to drain excess oil.

Wash, peel, cut vertically, remove all seeds and string, and dice the butternut squash. Place in a pot go boil until they are tender. Remove from water and mash thoroughly. Add milk/butter while mashing. Continue until it reaches a soup-like consistency. Season with salt to taste. For a soup without the small chunky bits of squash, mash for longer, or puree in a blender.

Get those lettuce leaves, plate, and enjoy.

And, the best part of both is how ridiculously easy they are to make.

Try it and tell me what you think.

As you may notice I didn't follow any recipe with strict measurement. In Antigua, it is not the norm. We have a cultural habit of cooking by feeling.


I am hoping to make sweet potato chips, and rice flour cookies pretty soon. And I am ever so giddy.

We'll See

i am so tired.....and as I fight to decide what's most important now I'm realizing that I have 2 options...drop the proposed project, or do it. That's what's really sucking up my time, and stressing me thoroughly....

But we'll see what happens

Be Ye Angry And Sin Not

Life is hard. It may, it will get harder.

Their is no sin in being angry. The sin lies in losing yourself.

Beware of your actions. And exhibit love always.

I know how hard it is. Nothing worthwhile is easy though

Peace, Love, Blessings

Life is Stress

April 27, 2014

Everybody but me is allowed to speak their mind. If you want to curse me the hell off do it, and I can't open my mouth to defend myself because it is a crime. And I am suppose to act like people matter? Like their opinions of my life hold weight? Like I want to stay here? Like I love being bombarded by everything.

Everybody is allowed to say whatever, but when I speak I am being rude. The 10 year old can speak his mind say what he wants, and my 24 year ass is suppose shut the hell up and take the blame for everything that goes wrong in their damn life.

He fails in school. It's because of my late classes. So didn't I have the same predicament? And didn't I pass my classes? He has all the hours after school and he all he does is play games on whatever device he can find. Every night almost nonstop I am thrown a rant about how my going to classes which only occur at night (the only option period) is putting everyone out. He is failing school. She's losing weight. And it's all because of my classes.

Yes, my classes do go until 9, and I do get down around 930 to 10 sometimes due to my trying save money or to get clarification on something done in class. But who the shit cares? Instead I have to get cursed out continually.

I make suggestions on what can be done. He can study and do homework between 3 and whenever. Who in the world would listen to an idiot? But when I sit to study on the weekend, and as I'm prepping to leave in the morning disturb me. Distract me from my own studies, and ignore me when I offer my help. Ignore me when I've deliberately paused my own work for you. Why? Of course, because the television is on or there is some fantastic ever-present game to play.

And of course, why not blame me for all the years of lateness. I take a ride to whatever destination, I stay home. I'm the one who is blamed for lateness. From since my birth late. And it is all my fault. While attending classes, and now I go to bed anything after midnight. I wake before or at the same time as you who goes to sleep anything from 8 to 11. And I am still the one who gets blamed. I am really supposed to care.

And back to the eating. Everybody ate the same amount yesterday. I skipped lunch and ate it as a late snack. And of course you know who got blamed for eating the most. Do you think it mattered that I didn't drink any of their fluids? Shit no it didn't. They treat me like an outcast and expect me to act as though everything is peachy.

I can't talk on the phone because it disturbs them even when I'm away from everyone. But of course they stand over my head having an all-night conversation. I can't play soothing sounds to put me to sleep since it's the only way I get my mind to calm down. But they can keep the radio on ridiculous talk-shows while talking back to it.

And I'm suppose to want to stay here. Give them and then some so that they can be sustain as they try their best to break my soul. I've been living it all my life so I guess it doesn't matter. I only need to endure it a little longer. Hopefully, shorter than life itself.

And did I forget how much of a liar I am...unless someone else backs me up I am a liar...pity I am usually the only witness to my own life, eh?

Peace.

It's all I want

Me? Am Here

Started working out Thursday, stopped yesterday? Oh well.

I'm hungry. Today was semi-productive.

Tomorrow's aim...better today.

I think I'm ready for a template change on LKPP

I am thoroughly sleepy.

I have done some righting lately...writing. It's not good, but the pen touched the page and energy was exerted in my upper and lower parts.

I hope this update suffices till I find the energy to formulate a better post.

I am aching...and hungry.

*YAWN*

Thanks for your blessings


Peace, Love, and Blessings

Last Week

I cried last week, wrote two poems last week, lost my temper last week, collected my prize from a contest I almost didn't enter last week.

But...the above was written last week...I think

But the real issue is that I've been breaking emotionally for quite awhile without realizing it until now. In the last few years I've begun crying wnen emotionally overwhelmed or when thinking about deeply saddening scenarios. Before that I did not cry unless hurt physically. However, it has gotten even worst, and I have been crying spontaneously without knowing the reason....Tears flow down my cheeks, I even bawl and I cannot bring anything to mind which makes a connection emotionally. I run through a list of possibilities and none of them click.

It happened last week, earlier this week, and today. On the first occasion, I was walking down a hall. On the second, my words had been misconstrued. But as I cried and thought of the situation, that did not make an emotional connect either. I was saddened by the ordeal, but it wasn't the reason for my tears. On the third, today, I was asked if I was feeling emotional, and almost immediately after responding my eyes welled with tears. Thankfully, I was able to remove myself from my acquaintances before the tears fell.

What can I do about it? Find the cause? Deal with it? How? By taking time out to do that? I hardly have time for my regular activities (says the procrastinator). I'll do something, while I move on.

God Bless
Shaziane

A Word for the Troubled

I thought you might have wanted a pure word. After reading this, I feel more at peace this morning.

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

http://bible.com/1/isa40.31.kjv

News (Well, Late News...)

For some reason I thought I'd shared with you already the news of me and a friend collaborating on a new blog. But I guess I didn't. So here it is.

A friend and I collaborated on a new blog!! Yay!

We even have a Google+ page, and it sprouted another blog.

It feels really good to be doing this. I don't know if it's the human contact, by which I mean our constant interaction in deciding how to go about doing various thing, and what to do, or just the fact that I'm doing something productive...but i feels, really good.

Check our blog (Talk Korean): leaninghangukeo.blogspot.com
Our Google+ page: google.com/+learninghangukeoblogspotsnc
Her blog (K-Drama): chelseaartist95.wordpress.com
Her other blog (Photog): a95photography.wordpress.com

I've Been

I've been well for quite awhile. But now once again I've got the flu.

So why am I up this late (0117)....well a girl's got to do what she has to, and in my defence I woke at 0030. So no biggie write? And that's exactly the reason. I have got writing to do. Firstly for that forever incomplete Capstone, next for my newest blog, and finally for a project being done by the Cadets in that order.

However, if you've learnt anything about me these past years, you'll know that I simply do not do things in order. To write that post which my co-contributor is waiting for so that she can post Part 2 of her drama post.

Oh, the link...(be warned tht it's a blog about Korean, mostly learning the language but also about other things as well, like dramas and such) Learning Korean with the Procrastinating Poet.

And off I go

......Health

Began taking Vitamin B6 and C....it was going well for a few days. In addition to that, instead of going to bed at 1 and waking at 5 I have been going to bed at 10. Yet, I still managed to become sick and I am not certain of the reason. Sigh.

I thought I was doing better in my heakth care. But now, I am not at all certain...3 extra hours of sleep....

Sigh

Eating....

I decided to begin eating properly a week or so ago...and it was going well. I was eating on time, and a sufficient amount so as not to feel hungry continuously.....Over the weekend I decided to cut down a bit and I am now realizing that I ate very little for lunch yesterday, and ate today'z breakfast minutes ago.

Finding My Voice

Some time ago I mentioned coupling my blog with audio for the purpose of eliminating mumbling from my speech. I post approximately two audio clips, and haven't since.

Today I decided to begin adding the clips again with a different purpose in mind. The purpose is to find my voice. I would like to sing some of my poems since most are written to melodies in my mind.

Today will be the first. And I will try to upload a few clips per week. They will be 30 seconds the most, and for now will be from songs that resound with

Tips on vocal are encouraged. In addition, suggestions for songs are also welcomed.

http://soundcloud.com/user580891286/finding-my-voice-i-am

Did I mention starting another blog? Well, I have. The second entry should be posted within the hour. However, at the moment I am considering using wordpress for more control. This was suggested by a friend who I asked to be a contributing aurthor.

What do you think? Should I leave the blog on Blogger, or move it to Wordpress?

Mock Interview for Videographer

So I've just completed a mock interview in which I cannot honestly give my opinion simply because I do not know what to think. However, my Block Coordinator said she got word that my interview was good, and for that I am pleased.


Now, I am about to write a few poems in preparation for the Wadali Pen Prize Competition.

Love, Bless
Pray for me 

Nostalgia

Today, sitting in a graphic design workshop I became nostalgic remembering the atmosphere in the art room at school.....It just felt so good....my idea didn't flow as well as I would've liked it, but the feeling was....beautiful.

Are You There?

So, a few days ago, as I researched info on how to vlog, and do so successfully I came across an article on vlogging and decided to read it since vlogging is video blogging.

According to the writer of that article, one should engage their blog audience by replying to comments in a few ways, and interact with readers through the writing of entries by asking questions and things of that nature.

Now, I began to wonder, "Do I actually have a "following?" When I say 'following' I do not mean Xandria, an former classmate of mine, and Allyshia, a commenter who makes me feel more human.

When writing blog entries I do not think about the audience per se...I think about it to the extent that...it is hard to explain. The way I see my blog is as me speaking to myself. In other formats of writing, I place myself in an environment, focus on a thought and/or feeling to the point of potency which I require or feel satisfied with. Then, and only then do I write. I hide (that was a typo, but it suits to an extent), guide the piece to the point I desire for it to communicate the exact feeling to the reader.

However, blogging is much different. This entry is being written (was, when you read it) in a conference room during the lunch break of a workshop. I decided on the purpose of the blog: to ask if I do have followers , and for a response. That was on Sunday, or Saturday evening, I think. I attempted to write it quite a few times and was to busy. But this is about as much planning and to be honest, the most I have ever done.

Generally, I am about to explode whether in anger, sadness, ecstasy, and I come here if I am not too busy. Or, it may occur to me that I haven't blogged in a while and that I should....so I do. It may be a sentence or a sizeable bit. That all depends on my emotions and how busy I am.

So...blogging here for me isn't about being famous or having a 'following'. it is about being me, saying exactly what I have on my mind. I do not edit my thoughts, and neither do I for these blog entries.

But...the question is:

Do you read my posts?

Do you read them regularly? Do you come back once in a while considering my entries are far and few between?

If you are returning once again, even it is your second time, why?

And thank you for reading.

Peace, and Blessings

Respect is Mandatory

Life is short.

I am short-temper, and there are a few things which completely tick me off. The issue at hand today is respect. A sure-fire way to anger me is to disrespect me directly, or indirectly (through my belongings).

Presently, I have found myself in a predicament in which my superior seems not to recognize that I exist or require communication, clear or not.

The nature of the job is to prepare for, and organize a weekly session startung 2014. My superior informed me that a meeting had occurred, and that he had a document for me. After seeing him several times without a mention, I reminded him and requested that he sent me a softcopy assuming that it was a hardcopy document. He said okay. A week or two later I informed him that he had not sent the file an image of the info, and asked for the secind time about the plans for the year and specifically for the first week.

The young man takes his time of course as he had ignored my first inquiry of the plans for the year. His reply states that firstly the document is a softcopy, secondly that it includes the plans. The next day as promised he sent the email........finally. It was a topic shedule. I asked if there was a set outline, order for each session: no, had the week's session been planned: no and apparently my assistance would be required.

I writeup a 5-minute speech with possible discussion points and send it off with ideas for additional sections for the year and song choices. I receive a five-line reply of typos, which require thought to be understood, and ambiguiety. This is one day before the session, and the email isn't clear as to whether he will add to it or if I should continue. So as to be clear since I usually misunderstand, I asked someone (who's of better understanding)...zilch.

The day comes, I message him about it.......he responds after sometime.....it was cancelled.

The constant lack of communication whether intiated by either of us, the lack of effort shown is completely disrespectful. I have no intent to continue investing myself, and my time in something in which I am uncomfortable due to the lack of effort by the head.

This is a second 'job' for both of us. So sure you can put it on the back burner, but keep me informed, not floundering. I will not continue the organizing until thusly informed. If the matter does not better itself I will step down. Nobody on earth treats me as less than I am, an empowered woman.