It Is Hard...

written April 24, 2014

Trying to maintain a steady weight for most of my life. It is terribly difficult. Not because I can't control my hunger, not because I love food which I do, not because I don't have enough self-control.

The problem is the constant tug-of-war "Eat more", "Eat less", "You're too fat", "I can't even see you in your clothes".

When I eat, I am told I am too fat, and stop eating, as much, and then I'm told I need to be eating more because it's unhealthy. But how am I suppose to do this? When I'm my perfect weight I here about how overweight I am. There is never peace. No one ever shuts up. No one ever minds their own business. And they are always bold, as if their opinion is that important.

written some time ago....months maybe


I will never be anybody's favourite. While growing I waited for the truth about Perfect to be realized. It happened. She's no more the favourite, and I still am not. Someone else was available. So I stand as always, second-rate, and never good enough. I feel hated, dislike, a nuance, something to be disgusted at.

"When I am well being around you makes me sick. Why would I want you around me when I'm sick?"

I replay this a lot since it was said. When I hear 'I love you' from the same mouth, or get good treatment....there's always a favour to follow, our someone watching in those times...

Not being enough to be loved unconditionally is my fear. I realized it today. 

So...

I remember the days when I used to say 'Love doesn't exits' then I began saying it did. I understood what it was finally.

But I think it's time to start saying it doesn't again so that I can feel less pain. Not being loved and being despise are two very different things. And being despise by the persons you though should love you....when you can see it plainly in their eyes it's very crushing.

So label my a rebel. Because the compliant fall and die. I refuse to believe what they've told me. I refuse to go their path. So...label me a rebel. And wait for the revolution.

..New? ...Popping?

So you say...


What's new? What's popping, Shazi?

What's new......KAPOWIE

That is.

I have finally began to fuse my poetry with imagery. It feels good.

I am tired. First I'll be editing one similar to the above...because I forgot Instagram loves squares, then I'll be editing today's poemagery for my poetry blog, and a friends menu.

Then I will begin prepping for tomorrow. I go the go ahead for the Oct 26 venue which I will speak on later.

I Do, I Do...I Do Cook...Cook? Pt. 2

So I never got around to those rice flour cookies (which I was dreading) and sweet potato chips (which I was anxious to make and taste).

However, I have managed to make this yummy health treat:

Coconut Snacks

Of course...no measurements....because the only thing I measure in stove top cooking is rice. And that is slowly joining the no measuring squad.

I made this after I attempted to open a coconut which I never did before. As always the point of me being in the kitchen in to have healthy yummy fun. Coconut is god for the immune system and also gives energy, cinnamon and honey are antibacterial, cacao is like cocoa. 

I did the research for them, so I know they are good. However, you should do your own. I think it will...,may...might boost your desire to eat healthy if you do not.

Thinly sliced coconut

Shredded/Grated coconut

Cacao

Cinnamon

Coconut oil

Coconut water

Honey

In a pot heat a small amount of water. Stir the cacao into the water. Toss the shredded coconut in the pot and stir. Add the honey (to taste) and cinnamon. Keep stirring. When it thickens to the point that the mixture resembles a clump spoon the mixture a baking sheet. An inch and a half is a suitable distance. Cover with a foil or your choice material. After twenty minutes you can remove from fridge and enjoy.

When you're not consuming them. Keep them in the fridge so that they don't melt...though they are still yummy and healthy.

You may note that how I add ingredients is just crazy....but I do it on a whim.

You may also have noticed that all the ingredients have not be used. The remainder of the ingrdients go here:

After all of the mixture from the pot without cleaning the pot toss the sliced coconuts into the pot. Stir them so that they can be coated with the left over mixture. Add the coconut oil and water, and some honey as well but not too much. Keep stirring until the liquids have dried. Stir some more so that the coconut does not get stuck to the pan.

This is what I did. They both tasted very good. But looking back at it I am now wondering why infuse freshly sliced coconut with coconut oil and coconut water. Why not do it to some fruit? (Well it was all I had.)

As I was looking for a recipe similar to the first recipe with measurements I found this recipe, and thought it suitable. There's not heat required. This makes it better. However, you need a blender.

My Weird Transcends...

My weird transcends cultures, languages...

I am not normal. I know this. But to be treated exactly the same by different persons raised in different, countries, under different norms, speaking different languages makes me sad.

Maybe I notice because I'm too self-absorbed one might say. But what else would be expected of someone who really doesn't speak to anyone. It'd be plausible that such a person notices that a room goes silent upon my entrance, or that it doesn't but that my remarks go answered, and ,my statements...misunderstood.

I can't wait to meet weird people across the boundaries mentioned. Sigh. I can pretend to be normal carry on conversations a little closer to the normal people, but that requires a large amount of filtering I don't intend to do if I'm allowing you to be yourself, and calling you a friend. What's the point?

I don't know if I should be happy to know this before visiting other places...or if I would've been happier living in blissful ignorance longer.

And still...I don't wish to be normal..because I trully like me. :)