Stiffling

December 23, 2013

Everyday I wake, and the house is still. I stay in bed, and the noise begins, loud, louder, unnecessarily. For an hour I lay trying to get back to sleep but the noise...unmoving and perfectly in my ear.

Finally, I can no longer take it. I must get up. To the bathroom for relief, but as soon as I sit there is someone at the door, someone who woke before but refused to be silent, refused to move. Now, as I make my way to the most quiet I can find, there follows behind me with the noisemakers. No matter where I go the end up, with their damn noise.

At 23 soon to be 24, I have no peace. Silence is not a resident when eyes of the breathing beings are open. Throughout the day and night, I am searched for, given hateful glares, and words to my face, behind my back, spoken to me, about me.

Everyone else has peace yet I cannot. Nothing I do is worthwhile, correct, useful, and I being asked to pay for this torture.

When I worked for 400 weekly, I paid 100. I lost my job, get 200 weekly, still I must pay the same. Now, I am making a little more and I am being implored for more. Didn't they know that that 3 years of giving half of whatever I got plus whatever expenses they begged for could have helped me? And now I am expected to increase it? Give more, as I get cursed, hated more daily?

Please, I am tired, and no more feel the need to try to make others happy while they strive for my misery.

RE: Fail

A fellow classmate talked me into sending in the assignment. I did. I have no idea if I failed. However, I can now say that I did not give up....and that feels good. :)

May your hardships become stones in your platform. :)

Be blessed.

Happy Sabbath, and have a pleasant weekend.

Started

Workout Routine as of Tuesday
Tuesday & Wednesday 20
Thursday & Friday 30
Saturday BREAK
Sunday & Monday 40
Tuesday & Wednesday 50
Thursday 60
Friday BREAK (had a headache which worsened by the day...decided to rest and see result)

For Butt & Legs
Arabesque (working leg between 45 and 90 degrees)
Standing Leg Lifts
Squats

For Arms & Abdomen
Standing Crunches (usually double the rep number or until I feel it)
Shoulder Press with Fist (without dumbells)
Shoulder Press with Open Palms

I also began using Remember the Milk, and listening to SKYFM. I like them both...got more done this week in part due to the use of both

Fail.

So....I will be failing my GD Application. Maybe I should simply say I failed it since the dealine was yesterday......I have no way of sending or completing the remaining assignments, and I think I am about done caring...I am tired of pushing to do it when it is not my love or desire.

Three years of my life in a direction that I do not care for.

If I fail. I fail.

I have other matters to worry about...

A Benefactor of Freedom

Nelson Mandela, one of the note benefactors of freedom has found rest beyond the horizon.

His intelligience was inspiring....after reading bits of his speeches it is hard no to be
His courage
His vigilance were motivating, encourage....this soul to strive, strive in the dark midday, to continue striving long past midnight

And each of them continue to be, and will

A life well lived continues to live after the death of the body which once contained it.

May his impact live forever.

South Africa's Nelson Mandela dies http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-25249520

Humans....

How can you be so to BORROW an item of mine and give me your damaged item as if returning mine.

I can't believe I still trust people in the least. You ask me to help you, and you cant havd the decency to juxt return my thing? Seriously? And I am suppose to be less anti-social, more 'normal', because those people are the honest, loyal, trustworthy ones. The one who will return your belongings in under 10 minutes and replace it with damaged one with a bold face.

I am extremely displeased....sad.....I should stop trusting people. Definitely will not be lending my belongings out again.

Humans....

Fighting

I keep forgetting to take my Vitamin B12. Sigh. Previous to this Wednesday night I did not take it for 2 weeks...maybe more. It's windy today. That's a good thing. However, I am cold. In addition there is a pain alternating between the veins on either side of my neck, and also a headache which comes and goes. Also, feeling faint, and slightly dizzy at times.

Sometime last week...actually I think it was the week before either Friday night or Saturday my heart felt really strange. At this point I cannot explain the feeling. It happened over a short period maybe in a minute. Four times and inbetween the strange feeling I couldn't feel my heart beating. Each time it made me catch my breath.

Over the last week I've been forgetful, and easily distracted/lacking focus for extended periods, as well as being extremely aggressive, getting angry and making rucus in scenarios which usually would only annoy me slightly.

From this week I'll be using a daily alarm. I have the tablets with me at all times. But I forget to take them still.

On another note also for next week I'll be posting <a href=http://shazianeispoetry.blogspot.com>two poems</a>

I am accepting that I might be slightly OCD. A little boy at the other end of the bench has a clip-on, the collars were out of place, and though I saw them once full, once hardly, I had to lean over the person between us and fix them....it was nagging at me. Oh well.

Home is stressful. So is work. Both inturn make school stressful especialy with the lack of time, and resources to do assignments efficiently.

Do intercede to Jesus on my behalf.

Peace, Love And Blessings

Sigh...

I feel as though I'm never actually sitting with people but around people....I never am apart of the group....always just a passerby...that connection that others feel together is usually missing. There's almost always a disconnect. The few who I do click with make it wortwhile though.

I can't wait to get away, to start over. I can't wait.

Persons often say when you go away you'll be alone...I'm already alone. I think I'm just about ready to decide against finding a significant other. It feels pointless right about now. Sigh.

Being here makes me sad.

Wow!

I am so happy...overwhelmed that I keep sprutting tears...I can 't believe we're almost finished our project, and it's so close to what I want. It's due tomorrow and it's just about where I want it.


THANK YOU JESUS!
:)

PEOPLE!!!

I hate when I people are in my personal space, and people keep standing to the wrong side of me...dmmit  MOVE!!! I don't think people get that I simply feel like exploding when they stand to close on the wrong side of me. It throws off my thoughts and I feel flustered....on another note...I hate being shadow and these ridiculous human keep attaching themselves to me..insert themselves into all my words...BACK THE HELLL OFFF geez...I shouldn't rant. But I'm at work and it's the only thing I can do to relax.

Peace

Distraught...

Broken, completely distraught. That's precisely how I feel. I feel alone...completely alone. I'm aware of all the knives in my back and I can feel every inch boring through my chest. But I smile, because I'm the only friend who can smile with open eyes, loyal heart....I smile at myself in the mirror because I can see every distrustful act in their eyes....and I'm tired of pretending th warmth in their laughter is real, that the humour filled remarks aren't simply snide comments they refuse to hold.


The first thing I think about
When I'm with you
The only thing I think about
When I'm with you
Is not breaking down
Is not falling so easily
It's simply being me...
I'm afraid of being too much


But isn't it lovely
How you flaunt
Your humour
Cover me with your laughter
Applaud me with your silent words
When you'v got her on your finger
And him on your arm

I am hurt. I feel broken. Nonetheless, it is time to move alone albeit alone.

Peace, Love, and Blessing

Pray for me. I need it

I'm

I'm lost. I did something stupid. I believed that your interest in me was something lasting...worthwhile. I know you said it wasn't for anything pertaining to intimacy but that's what I believe nonetheless. How I could continuously fool myself it's just ridiculous.

That was written yesterday. I'm definitely depressed. Let's hope and pray that I can get my assignments done
I'm trying not to act depressed. I don't want to lose everything. Sometimes I think I belong in therapy....but it's Antigua.....

Peace, Love, and Blessings

Aversion to Intimacy

In January 2011, I was asked: "Do you have an aversion to sex?" At the time I answered warily, not really knowing the answer but anxious to get out of the position I was in. Since then I have taken the time to analyze myself, and came to the realization that I do, or did. From there I decided to dig for the reason behind this aversion, and was awaken to the broader aversion to intimacy in its entirety.

I hate being touched. I feel uncomfortable unless the person touching me is emotionally intimate with me and even then, if I am not in the perfect mood, it will irritate me on a level that is incomprehensible to most. 

I hate being lifted, taken off my feet. I fear falling, being too heavy, toppling myself and the lifter. I fear being awkward, having my body contorted in the wrong way while being lifted. This though not directly linked to the aversion it is mentioned since lifting seems to be one of the actions males as of late are enthralled by.

Added to the above, my fear extends to verbal/emotional intimacy. Expressing how I feel about, in, towards a situation or person in a face-to-face encounter orally is near crippling. 

And yet, I still manage to feel the need for companionship, a touch, and expressing emotion in person to someone. It's unfortunate. However,  the mammoth problem here is that I don't know why I feel about and react to these things in the way that I do. There are a couple of possible explanations which have been dismissed on technicalities.

In other news: 한국은 공부해요.  (Google it --> hangukeun kongbuhaeyo.)

I Need to Move On

I waited
I waited
I damn well waited
For you to touch me
With care
With love
With heart
With meaning

I waited.
I waited...
I...waited
For your damn ass to come the hell around
With Patience
With Love
With Peace
With blessings

And you
You
Have the gall
To come tell me
That I am
Just a tease
For whom
You
A) Waited
B) Courted
And C) Waited for some more?

And me
Yeah
The one
Who thought
She was waiting
What the hell was I doing

Damn!
Dicktease
Nigga please.
I'm done with this shit

Pained

It's like sunset, and pain.
The moon rises with a stain
Of shame
In this paradise of gain

I'm in love with the stars in your eyes
I can't take the love you have for her
And I can't stop loving you
But I am so broken

I am enticed by the way you're loving her
Maybe one day you'll love me more
But for now...I'll remain
Being the best me there can ever be

Emotionally Invested

I love him dearly.  That's all there is.

I am depressed. Generally, I'd be more than honest with him. But his situation is the reason.  I am afraid that if I tell him I am that he'll know the reason and cut me off.

I need to control myself. I am a grown woman. This may be the one for him, or she may be the first of the last.  It doesn't matter. I need to find a positive way to deal with my emotions. I don't intend to stop loving him.

And I intend to be a force to be reckoned with when it comes to being innovative,  and progressive. I haven't gotten this far without a male counterpart to make my life all about one. He has impacted me greatly. I don't know how he views me, but he has been a great help to me in a lot of things.

It's very near to ridiculous...I was well on my way, thinking of walking my solitary path, then he pokes his nose into my business. I liked him before, and I did invited him into my life. But unlike most people he accepted the invitation,  walked in, and made himself comfortable. I don't dislike the fact. I like it.

He's understanding towards how I see the world, and generally how I think. A lot of times he's the middle ground, helping me to see how most persons see things, taking the time to explain in a way I can wrap my mind around. Sometimes,  after he's explained and I've taken more than a few seconds to grasp a concept I generally feel daft. He's never the reason though...writing this I feel as though I'm speaking about someone who's autistic...mildly. However,  I am not. I just have a little difficult understanding things sometimes.

Back to the point though. Sigh. After quite awhile of trying to convince me that my way of thinking, my mantra of "I was born alone, I will die alone, therefore I can live alone"  which I never told him or anyone else about, needed to be abandoned. I did. I let people in, opened myself to people touching me, and stopped thinking of myself as a singular. No one is as close as he is . I think one of the reasons is the amount of similarities we share. I hardly try to tell him things in a coherent manner. I say the words I'm thinking unfiltered, unedit, and he deciphers without need of explanation once we're on the same topic. We both move back, and forth through topics mostly without warning, and generally with the other perfectly in tow.

I hope to enjoy this friendship for life.

I just need to be happy for them. See the problem here isn't their relationship.  It's that I know his female. We converse enough so that I feel a little more than comfortable around her. I consider her to be a very close acqaintance...maybe even a friend. However, that is a bit unclear. I think she's a friend,  though I don't know if she considers me to be one to her.

I have a few rules about guys, and relationships. If a friend is interested in the same guy I am I'll back off (they generally see me as sex anyway). However,  I met and feel for him before meeting her. Next, once a friend has dated a guy, he becomes untouchable...

And there comes 'the perfect guy'...the THING I dislike about him pales in comparison to the pros...and then this...

I only wrote the proposal this morning i.e 0100 to 0739, and of course the above was a major distraction. I'll be editing the draft today.

The Components Of An Unbelieveable Mind (Book) - Writing.Com

A blog of mine on an awesome website.

The Components Of An Unbelieveable Mind (Book) - Writing

Today?.....

I am hoping to have a productive day.

The day began with devotion, followed by connecting to the outside. A lot has happened/been posted since Friday by way of news I mean.

I intend to write a proposal today,  finish the Illustrator section of the textbook,  and plan ideas for my upcoming article, and portfolio promotion

I'm feeling tired...exhausted right now so I should probably rest a bit, and take my b-complex tablet. In addition to that People who use the net seem to get on at 8 or so which has made the net seem closer to nonexistent than anything else.

Take supplements,  eat, rest,  begin reading for Illustrator, outline proposal,  brainstorm pp ideas.

Alive In My Skin

I Need To Grow Into My Skin http://shaziane.blogspot.com/2012/05/i-need-to-grow-into-my-skin.html

Perusing the titles of past posts, the above caught my attention. Having read its contents I can assure you that I have grown. The feelings expressed within it are long gone. The person I am today isn't the completed version, but this revision is sexy, confident, and bold. Yes, that means I am blunt, standing alone, and loving it entirely. Sure, there are a few acquaintances.  But their acceptance, or rejection of me and my ideas are nothing more than theirs. They do not affect my happiness.  I am loving my skin.

I still need the Lord's Blessings.  :)

Where Art Thou

Do you think you can guess where I am? Yeah, I know. It's 3 am where else could I be.

However, the real shocker ix that I am able to connect to ghe internet and post this. Do you see something beautiful happening here? I surely do.

On another note...I feel as though I might have appendicitis. I have been feeling a sharp, burning pain in my lower abdomen on the right. I am praying that it's not. Do send out your prayers, blessings for me as well.

Thanks.

Peace, Love, & Blessings

I Have Been Active: A Few Photos (for proof)

I have been away for quite awhile, and technically I still am. However, I have been doing useful things such as getting a job, attending school, and organizing a sreet art event. Though it was not attended as I'd hope it was enjoyable for the participants as well as myself. Below are a few pics of the pieces which created under the theme Happy Days.

Chelsea McMaster

Shaziane Codrington

Launesha K. Barnes

Justyn Charles

I'm Still Here

I want to organize a street art event...well...another one. I'm busy so no details in this moment but later...with photos. ;-)