I'm Back :-) I Missed You

Written December 13, 2010 (Sorry for the late publishing.)


I pulled the blog for awhile due to the fact that I’d named names (without realizing) and then had the gall to begin flaunting it about the place. Thankfully, a dear soul noted and commented on this fact. I’ve had the chance edit it for some time but I had settled that I’d begin a new blog, which I have. Funny enough I decided to check the stats here and I was surprised by the readership which is more than I expected and entirely not local. So I’m here again, to amuse, bore, share, write, love, cry, laugh, through words. I hope you enjoy the continuous change that I have felt and continue to feel.

At this point I can sit and smile, for I have grown tremendously in the emotional arena. I cannot help but to repeat over and over that I have grown and as I edited the blog, this blog I saw myself: who I was throughout the year.

The last few months have really changed me. The last few months have been a re-writing, a revision, drawing me nearer to whom and what I want to be. I do not feel the same way I felt about love, not in the least. Neither do I feel the same way I did about life or death. At this point, I have a better understanding of people and myself and that understanding still has room to expand within and it will until it bursts the walls and continues...envelopes it maybe and still continue...

I'm Tired But Happy

I have been extremely tired lately. I hardly sleep. I might be going through or rathere was going through or maybe I still am going through a slight depression. When I say slight I mean it doesn'ty hold me down, it simply affects at night when everything stops or any time in the day when I am not busy. But that's not why I came here.

I've been feeeling uppity lately. Actually it's just from Tuesday. I might not have mentioned it before but I'd like to enter the publishing world as a poet, not simply a writer. I began as a poet. Poetry is my main love and I feel most at home and free with it. This should leave the view I want of myself, a poet.

I've tried t compile a book/collection of poetry before. It was my goal to have four equal parts of love, abuse, life and death. Yet every time I went at it I was hit with the problem of having too many love poems. It really sucked. It would be rather easy to write the poems I want or so you would think. But when I write with an open mind, what I get is love. When I push with an open heart trying to focus on somethng else, I still get love. It takes 'a lot' to write poetery not based on love and I desperately wanted my four sectons. I thought it would be nice to allow readers to get a feel of who I really am. I love life. I see death as another part of live as is love and abuse is something dear to me because we need to open or eyes and minds in order to help.

That was my dilemma I could not move forward. I became frustrated and put it on pause...for several years. As November neared its end, I realized I needed another project. It was going to be emmpty unless I was writing and pushing and producing. Hence the reason I decided that I would return to compiling. December began. I did nothing. I excused myself with the explanation that I was tired, exhausted from NaNo. Then something triggered a burts of inspiration and I had to write, had to release. I made a blog entirely for my poetry. Then I made the goal that I would write a poem per day. But I still was not compiling.

This Tuesday I went over the problem in my head after going home for two weeks and only thinking of opening my laptop. I never moved only thought as the machine sat less than two feet from me. I resolved my problem. I decided I would do the book and that it would only contain loved based poems. Actually at the same time a title popped into my mind and it seems perfect. It is not particularly catchy, but it will be when I'm through with it. ;-)

That night with no thought at all I was on the laptop. I began compiling and editing. In those poems I see how I have grown emotionally. In like that. It motivates me and I am as happy as I was during my NaNo-ing.

This is my calling. This is my love. I am Shaziane. I am a poet.


Peace & Love
Shaziane

I'm here...

I guess I haven't posted in a while and I have nothing of real substance to say at this moment. Actually I do. With a mind that is ever active, never ceasing to produce and reproduce or rather reproduce and reproduce since all has been produced before, I've always got something to say. It generally begins with bits and piece. But the end result once sifted is usually decent and sometimes most times thought-provoking.

What have I to say? I shall be back.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Words are the window to our mind. The mind is a doorway to the soul. Our soul is what we are.

Whatever you are seen in and doing that is what will define you: to yourself and others be it concsiously or unconsciously.

Tomorrow's another day.

May the blessings reign.

Writing is My Freedom. Writing is My Joy.

I live through my writings. I keep my sanity through my writing. I exist in the words I speak and write and they reside within me at depths unreachable at times even to myself. The thoughts I lose I do not chase for in my blood they run, in my skin they dwell and yet they are untouchable because they lie deep. Their sleep is broken by a sound or smell, unique or popular. Sights are brought forth with clarity so profound they are stronger, more real than the ground on which I stand and yet I have to say, there are things which I cannot see in their entirety but can only feel depending on the glow which they give out or are surround by. I feel where my sight stops and my mind understand where my emotions end and yet they never do. So all that I really am is a being of feeling a being of touch, physical and abstract. I am a being of emotions. Emotions so strong that a knife wound is the only comparison for a hand, a bare hand could do no such even with the breaking of bones. Teeth they too could not inflict the pains that these emotions wreak.

I live in words. I live in emotions. My world is the emotional word, the word of emotion. Each word is an emotion. Each sound has touch, for it touches my skin and delves deeper, bringing emotions forth from my soul.

I am not a pen: cold and still, and yet I am. I am not a paper: so light that it may be carried, and yet I am. I am not a thing to be held, discarded, burned, buried, recycled and yet I am. For the word is man and man is the word he speaks. That which solidifies our existence is the word (which remains in a non-existent state.)

I live to think. I live to inspire thought. I live to be free and inspire the free. As "justice is to be found only in the imagination" (Alfred Nobel) so is freedom only in the mind. I inspire the free. I inspire to be free. I inspire thoughts of freedom, for all are free.



If I am to be honest, I most first say that the above came out as I thought to express myself and how I felt about my near achievement or rather my soon coming acheivement as a novelist. I have yet to be published. But that is not what makes a essayist, a novelist or a writer. What makes a writer what she or he is is the thought that she or he is and that she or he writes.

I began this piece/blog to express my sheer happiness of having enjoyed and still enjoying what I do and to measure the joy, pleasure, love against pain. Against pain this is nothing. My inspiration has not been lessened. My joy has not been tainted. I am in love, thoroughly in love with what I do and who I am. Have I failed? I thought I would. Yet in my mind I saw victory and I repeated mentally "Even though I fail, I'll still be happy" and I did not know why. But over and over played a little clip in my mind (one that has never happened) as I sat in a wooden sanctuary at peace, writing the last few words and overjoyed. It played as I failed to write and as I noted how far behind I was. It played as I noted how mathematically challenged I was in my miscalculations. It played as I again saw how far and much I had lagged and then, words of a friend replayed in my head "once you have faith you can do it" (Glen Toussaint) and so from whence I was and whence I came, I turned and I said to my lagging fingers, mind, soul. "I can do this" and so goes the story over a sleep deprived, aspiring poet, just turned story-writer, just turned esassyist penning approximately eight thousand words (of sense, mind you because that section was thoroughly enjoyed) in under twety-four hours. And I must add the Missus who called as I was watching Psych who amazingly knew I'd be slacking and called to get me unslacking. But I must say that in my defence the bit I wrote during the ads made me laugh and did not stray from the plot (as if there was a plot...actually ,I did follow a guideline, which in itself is another win.)

Now since I said firstly, I've got to say secondly since I have no intention of removing 'firstly' and have forgotten what should be...here. Writing makes me happier than anything or anyone on this earth ever has and most likely ever will. So with an aching wrist and fingers and an ankle which pains and shoots occasional pains to my knee, (due to my clumsiness which resluted in me falling on my ankle). I am happier, more at peace, calmer than this soul has ever felt.

Did I mention I was behind again? Two thousand five. I guess that bit was a kind of climax because this section is reaaaaaaallllly slow. I hardly want to write it, which reminds me of books where they are going great and get to a certain section where I simply want to skip it because they are so slow. But no worries. There will definitely be a re-write in February most likely. But all in all. I like this story or stories, since there was an invasion and I simply had to add in another set of characters who brought a completely different feel, atmosphere and setting with them.

Rocking hard, loving harder!

Melting

Melting is what this existence feels like.

That was the feeling I had when I began writing and for a long period before. Moments after, the thought of a contest which I intend to enter came to mind. The theme is "Think Beautification for the Nation's Health and Wealth". It was Friday that I realized the deadline is the upcoming week. Tuesday to be exact. I hadn't written anything. So as is my norm I began worrying and it ran over to today.

As the thoughts came to mind the Lord pushed me to write and so I did. Pulling from what inspired, bits of life which I've experienced, the surrounds in which I sat and that which the Lord poured into me. I've finished the poem and now it needs some tweaking/editing. Thank God!

I am extremely pleased with it. I am feeling much better: a bit tired with a headache but I'm not down. I've got three minus this, two other writing endeavours to complete. I think I'll tackle the other blog entry first. But for now I'll go to sleep.

The week was hectic but today makes it worthwhile.

Peace

Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

:-D

There's a certain connection humans make among themselves: It is a connection which binds emotionally and at points is so significant transfers to the realms of the physical. Such a connection I have made with family so that there words are an emotional physical. But I coax myself to believe that the cords of such a connection is blood. For those outside such cords I have yet to find what it is which truly attaches itself from one to the other. This is not simply attachment from one party but from both. Love and trust has come to mind, but are love and trust that physical. Are they really as tangible as blood? Is there really that much power in both?

At this point in life I have made these connections with persons outside of blood. They could be lover but are not. They are harsh. They are gentle. They could and do push their limits. But they have my best interest at heart (or so I've made myself believe) as do I.

This evening I'll be attending the Literary Arts Competition Awards Ceremony at the Dean William Lake Centre. It should be interesting, short and for me exciting. That is what it is, when in the company of great minds which I have come to respect.

I am behind in NaNo, but I am feeling extremely optimistic since I have yet to be stumped. At this point there is a lot of dialogue which for me is flowing rather smoothly. I like that. There are some points which feel scriptish, but I was working on a script some time ago though the gaps is rather large. I like it. I love it. I feel as though this is really my calling. The pleasure I feel when doing this compares to nothing else. It compares to nothing else when I am writing. A calm dwells in my soul, the worlds stops, all worries are dropped. I am at complete ease as my mind focuses, produces, expels that which it destines as greatness, as perfection.

This will end shortly as I have a pile of work waiting to be done, and a couple thousand words waiting to be produced, aligned and written. But first I most share my joys.

I've received a call from ABIIT. My acceptance package is ready. At this point in life I feel accomplished though not published, though I have yet to raise a decisive foot. I am on my way and I am doing it as an amateur without the help of he who is established and for that reason alone I might as well have been named the greatest of the greats on earth. I feel really good.

Thanks to those who believed, who praised to make me believe, who pushed when I contained no zest.

We are (aside from God) our own greatest strength and weakness.

To God be the glory.

Peace,

Resting

I should be resting. But I am not. I should be preparing for the National Novel Writing Month and writing the first entry of a blog soon to be released. But I have done neither.

On the up hand I have updated and am updating two blogs :-D yay me!!! Lol

I'm still extremely stuffy with a disheartening and distracting headache. Tomorrow I'll arise from my bed, help out with the laundry which will take some four hours or so. Unfortunately some rain is expected tomorrow which will make it a bit harder with the lack of a dryer.

Nevertheless prayers will be sent up to the Father as they are on such days and always with them expectancy and faith.

I've probably be frequenting this blog a little less while I focus on yet another new blog. This one will be entirely focus on my NaNo-ing adventure.

Peace,
Shaziane

Tackling

I've been tackling the flu symptoms from the week's beginning. I've went through this week feeling down and pushing through. At this point I can be sick without it showing in my eyes. That took focus at first but I can pull it off effortlessly now. That is both good and bad. There is no excessive sympathy...and there's no sympathy. They seriously don't know I feel as bad as or worse than they do. *Sigh* Oh well. I did work for this.

There are several things in my palm but I'll mention that which has passed. On Tuesday, I graded and was elevated. Thank God. Wednesday, I fulfill my plans to visit ABIIT and I must say the workers in the administration section were extremely friendly, helpful and capable. I was shocked. I've never seen such an easy-going friendliness in one organization. Wow! I like them.

This morning I began writing this post(entry). The first few sentences were written in different manner. I lost the prevous beginnings and for that reason I'll hurry this bit.

Things in my palm:


1. NaNo prepping
2. Literary Festival
3. Memorizing a piece
4. Kumite training - mindset, body training
5. Trying to wrap my mind around several things

The Beauty of People

Why do black people have to be so difficult?

I asked you one simple question directly related to work, my work. I cannot function properly: answering customers questions if I don't have the information and you just act like a crazy bitch off meds with pms. Seriously, it's work. Get over yourself. Geez!

I came to work an indifferent mood. The first customer of the morning want 500 bottles. I'm energized so that went by faster than usual. Now you have to mess up my entire morning?

Most difficult damn people to deal with. Then we have a problem when persons say "black people". Fine. I'll change "black idiots". Damn. Lovely headache. I always enjoy a good one first thing in the morning.

Guy has attitude and to spare. But that's not my problem. My problem is people not fuming at, to or on the folks who anger them. But rather acting like bitches, idiots, little girls when they don't get their way.

Feeling Good

Early in the day (yesterday), I really felt burdened, stressed. The world could have crashed and burned and it would lay beside me in misery.

I don't take things lightly most times and this was no different. I passed through the morning angry, disturbed, depressed, soaked in despair.

Fortunately I was able to lose myself in a book at several intervals and use music as a push in completing the things I set out to do. Each was completed by the end of the day.

Of course there's always something else left to do but I won't worry about that today, my day off.

Between the end of the work day and the beginning of karate I'd tripped out of the stupor with the help of my mother (and also Erie). I felt much better

Karate was extremely good though I wished I'd pushed myself more. I'm hoping I get through the grading and pass. My ankles and knees are acting up a bit but not too much that I'll have to sit out.

Oddly enough, Sensei hasn't said I won't or will but I'm rather confident. How odd? Neither am I nervous. What Shakeema said around the time of the last grading proved to be right and helped greatly.

I asked her about being nervous. She responded that she wasn't because she found it unnecessary. This intrigued me simply in the way she said it. Being pushed she continued explaining that at first she'd been nervous, after the first something happened (I don't quite remember what) and she wasn't nervous and she did just as well. Realizing that the nervousness didn't do her any good and everything went as well or better without it she relaxed and apparently hasn't been nervous about a grading since.

It's simplicity reigns above all but it took her saying it in the way she said it for me to get over my nervousness (in karate).

Today I've got a few things to do. Hopefully I do complete them both leisure and work.

Preparing for Sunday's Grading and Fashion Show

Preparing for NaNo, researching

Sleeping

Watching Expendables

Locating a few certificates

Planning a few other things

Semi-budgeting

Shaziane

It's weird

After reading my last blog post a lot of memories and feelings have been brought once again to the fore.

I found the first few sentences laughable. Then as I continued reading I remembered how I felt. I remembered that I still have feelings for and are easily hurt by him and he doesn't seem to care. He toys with me continuously on his whim. It's even more weird that I have extremely strong feelings for another guy anyway that's not my reason for my being here.

I'm extremely stressed and I don't feel as though I can handle the steps that need to be taken to resolve the issues at hand. At the moment I feel very helpless, completely helpless.

As of December 31, 2010 I will no more have a job. I am expected to enroll in a local institution which specialises in technology. At present my monthly income stands at approximately $414 excluding home related bills. These are all things I feel necessary for the smooth running of my emotional and physical self. How am I going to deal with that? Where am I to find the funds to continue without altering? In addition Tiny has now decided to move ahead and begin building. It has and continues to anger and unsettle me.

I know what I will be doing in the next ten years. I will be a full blown writer. But at present there are things blocking my way simply for the sake of blocking me. My father doesn't think writing will sustain me and doesn't see it as being real. He chooses to deal with that by forcing me into a direction I am not interested in, in a manner in which he would like. I find technology interesting, but not as a main or secondary. I am interested in it as I am interested in most other things not simply on a surface level but to understand the things, the people it impacts.

I feel very stressed. I feel very helpless. There are opportunities which I can't jump at presently, but that isn't a problem. I've advanced without seeing those opportunities before. The problems are the blockades which threaten to shatter my sanity. I feel as though I'm going crazy as though I'm losing myself.

I feel trapped in a pool of insanity. I don't know how to respond. With no funds my hands are completely tied behind my back.

The plan which needs to be executed following what others want:


Apply to ABIIT;

•Proof of high school graduation acceptable proof of graduation includes a standard high school diploma or a general equivalency diploma (GED).
•Proof of nationality – Passport.
•Official High School Transcript.
•CXC certificate.
•Antigua State College Transcript and certificate.
•Any other related certificate or transcript for institutions of higher learning with credits you wish to transfer to ABIIT.

•Non-refundable admissions application fee of $20.00.


Get a drivers licence (because the place is pretty far and the hours are odd):

$150 - three more lessons
$100 - driving test

(I don't have this amount of money. I'm supposed to be saving!)

Find my damn passport or get a new one and I don't know how or where I lost it.


Quit karate:

I don't have the money to continue and with Tiny taking the leap she won't be able to pay for it either.

Get a damn job without anyone knowing.

Shaziane

I hate...

I hate the fact that my ex PROMISED to collect something I bought online and send it to me and then told me he'd collected and mailed it to me when he DIDN'T. I HATE that he's such a boy he neglect my calls, IMS, and emails about the topic. and I HATE that he didn't have the guts to say I won't do it. I hate that he couldn't say to himself...."Well since I am going home, I'll just bring it with me." I hate that I had to find out by the company emailing me that the package had been returned. I hate that I'll have to spend more money and I hate that the money I spent will probably go down the drain.


Most of all I hate that I trusted him yet again, when I really didn't need to. I hate that I still allow him to hurt me. I hate that I might still have feelings for him. If I dind't it wouldn't hurt so much would it?

I hate that he wasn't man enough to face me.


*sigh*

Dinner

Think I'll have that tomato and water now....

Blog tomorrow


Shazi C

Tired

After staying up for the last few days until 12 sometimes 1 or 2 and waking at 6 the latest, it has taken a toll on me and I'm simply tired.

Peace & Love

Shazi C

Writing: Black and Beautiful

I mentioned entering a contest on the day before the deadline some time ago.

It so happens that I topped the 18-35 category. Oh yea!!

I feel so overwhelmed, shocked, and motivated.

I'll be much more focus from now on.

:-D

Peace & Love!

Shazi C

Here, there, everywhere?

Life has been moving in every possible direction it can. The good the bad and the down right nasty.

I've been through a heavy and well covered depression. No one noticed it. Only the stress, which cause a lot of headaches for most.

I'm feeling much better at the moment and it would seem I've helped another with their depression. It makes me feel even better.

This is the response to a friend asking "How are you? Is everything okay?"



Stressed. No. Though I might be over-reacting.

It's about work and it's personal still because my boss is Black.

I'm angry about the Super not being man enough to take his own blame and it ticks me off even worst that he's pretending to be a buffer.

I'm displeased that he always has to have everything done his own way once Black isn't there. Why do I have to undo something and redo when precedence has already been set?

Why do I have to take the blame when Black already know the problem but refuses to address it? Why, oh why are grown men playing this ridiculous game?

Why can't people take their own blame?

Why do I have to explain things to people higher than myself when they've been working so much longer than I have? Shouldn't you know this?

Why do you promise something when you know you can't give it? Why do I have to take the fall? I couldn't make the early decision but I must take the end result if bad? What's the problem with your management skills? You're impulsive so am I but I do think ahead it's a part of living is it not?

I exploded at work but thanks to having written this before it wasn't as destructive as any of my out burst from the past. It was actually helpful.




What's up with the good parent trick? I ask for university help in '08 its '10 we're out of the '0 somethings. Another had to complete school after and go before me. Now you're acting as though you're the thing of a lifetime and with that there are still other complications.




Tiny and I are trying to build a house, a home. We've already calculated everything for when the approval form DCA comes through. It can't be done without a little help.

It’s hard to get a job these days. So I’ve got to stay in this one…until. And that’s the problem…I’m trapped here. Unable to move unable to budge, stir, nothing.

And I’m also picking up Tiny's stress about lodging with other people for too long…it was planned that we’d be out on our own for almost two years now if things had worked out.

In addition, I’ve begun forgetting things. They are minor but it’s terrible. My stress headaches are back and though karate helps and I try to relax they are extremely strong and very distracting.




Sorry about the way in which I’ve written it. That’s the way my minds running at the moment. Thank you, my mind is now relaxed enough for me to go to sleep. With three blogs I didn’t even think of writing about it…I wonder why

Hurt

The day was good.

During the first half I enjoyed it. The usual Saturday routine.

For Valentine's I took my mom and brother to see Percy Jackson and the lightning Thief. It was good...though I was looking forward to bumping into someone...didn't happen...then

I got emotional...and now I'm hurting myself....

Up, down, perfect

I felt down for most of the day...simply depressed and stressed. At various intervals two of my cos made me smile or laugh, but the day was mostly an emotional drag.

In addition there was also a slight to normal headache which took turns with a dizzy and light-headed feeling.I simply would've loved to be away from work, possibly sleeping. Maybe even the thought of having to go to karate would have made it bearable.

Black is still ill.

Oddly/Fortunately/Surprisingly I met a friend (GELL4) who I initially met when in high school. We attended different schools saw each other once. Then there is an insertion of a wide gap (years) which ends or maybe breaks tonight. We spoke for an extremely long while. It was good catching up. There was an exchange or rather taking of song (on my part).

Something that struck me, is that people change...our perception of people change.

I thoroughly enjoyed the exchange, laughter, shock, surprise, the uplifting of spirits, lots of smiles....never a dull moment. Think I forgot to mention my mom was there..and took part completely.

I'm not interesting company and my conversations end at "How are you?" but it was good. Since I didn't do a lot of the talking per se. It surely makes me feel pleased.

What I felt at the end of this day...was high.

*I'm thinking of joining the Shooting Club - To be detailed later.

*Mom gave me my V pressie already :-) - Detailed later

Peace & Love


Shazi C

Work

So I was sick for awhile. I called several cos on Sunday informing them that I wouldn't be at work on Monday.

On Monday the co-worker charged with picking me (let's call him the driver) up showed up, and was told for a second time that I wasn't going to work that day. He makes small talk then leaves.

On Tuesday, the driver does not show up after I've called over eight times. Finally after contacting other cos, he answers saying he's already at work and includes the excuse that he had been told by a Super that the Boss said I was sick AND that his phone had been on silent for the entire time. I eventually get a ride from another co who had to leave work to pick me up.

Today, I called the driver when I completed dressing at seven o'clock, he said he was leaving his home. (Now...it takes my mother about ten minutes to get from where we live to where he lives. She drives slowly...no one drives behind of her.) He picked me up at seven thirty and he always speeds.

Now tell me should I be angry because I was pissed.

Thankfully, the Lord has some Christians around me. Thank you, Father!

Peace & Love
Shazi C

Writing

I have not been doing much of it, but after seeing that there was a contest. I decided I'd simply write, thought that today was the deadline.

My hopes aren't too high. But I'd be pleased to be placed.

Write On!

Shazi C

Pause

I've been out for a while due to some problems with my connection and google.


Life's continued on it's normal path. Black has been home from mid-Thursday due to him using a non-prescription medicine which isn't for persons like himself with hypertension. Apparently he's been taking it for a while on a daily basis. It didn't affect his brain but he's still feeling dizzy.

Also, I began to get a flu last week, but I was able to keep the fever at bay...unfortunately I was left with a terrible cold which has affected my breathing badly. At first, talking, lying, sitting and standing felt as though I'd be running a mile or more. Thankfully it's much better now, I can walk and sit for longer after taking several concoctions.

For the said health problems, I'll be taking a week out from Karate and I'll be taking off the day tomorrow from work. I hope this pause will be good enough to get me to perfection (better than before).

Peace & Love!

Shazi C

Time?

When you're me it matters very little. Losing track of it....I can never actually keep track if I'm to be honest. I can't tell an hour from five minutes. I'm crazy. I know but I don't really mind.

My lack of time-tracking helps me to lose myself, lose everything I want to shut out. Hence the reason I don't try to...most likely I'll simply stress about the amount of time I'm wasting.

I hope time really does heal all. At this point I am really hurt. I hate feeling in love...it always makes me feel so raw, bare, naked to everything. Raw...everything frazzles me emotionally...add to the usual up down moodiness *sigh* I'm hoping time really heals and that I can lose track of that also.

So at this late hour...I'm sitting here...hurt...hurting....and unsure of what to do with myself *sigh*

Shazi C

Bad Hair Day

I wasn't perfect for most of the day. It was the usual up and down. Then there's the hair I can't comb or brush it. I can't do anything with it or else it breaks.

So today I went to work looking much more insane than usual. No brush touched this head (actually a little...pain to my hair, scalp), no comb but my fingers did a bit. People were shocked...as was I when I looked in the mirror.

I wasn't as confident as usual but I was comfortable, which helped a bit.

It ended perfectly though. I had the priviledge to drive a 2001 Mitsubishi Fuso!

Moody....is an understatement..

For the last few weeks my mood/emotions have been all over the place. It is usually like this but it has become worst, much more drastic. The swings are more sudden than they were before.

I feel the sadness on my skin, the happiness is the same. They take me over more completely and yet move on so quickly and when they don't I swing into a numb or slight depression to deep depression.

At least karate is still good. I learned a few things pertaining to training and got some tips on my side snap kick.

I'm presently wondering if one Mr. Vagon likes me. Sometimes it seems like he does and at other times as though he's simply being friendly. Sometimes he speaks less casually than he does with other and then at times like tonight, I find him staring at me...not looking. In addition he goes on calls my name..."Shaziane" as if its something other than a name and then lets it hang there....in the air, almost as if he's listening. When I do answer he waits a bit longer then throws himself into the conversation even if its the usual "How are you?"

He's baffling me. I'm baffling me. Thankfully, he's focused and executes most things correctly with little flaws. Whenever something new is being done I can always look to him to find the correct method and rhythm.

Wish I could live in silence. lol

And I miss my fellow bell. *sigh* It'd be much easier and fun with her. Not that it isn't. But everything is better when she's around. She is like a sister to me.

Love?

I've thought about what exactly this ought to be: the definition, the actions that go along with it, the way in which those who experience it should feel, act and react toward person they experience it for.

Unfortunately, for this abstract I have found no complete concrete answer for the first. From observation, the second seems to be one of caring, sharing, gentle, at some times caring at others aggressive depending on the persons overall character/personality and also the situation. The third is much harder...and I am still observing/compiling and analysing.

The basis of this is that I don't know what love is outside of the family or rather brotherly (agape) type. For this reason among others(to be discussed later) I've decide to withdrawn myself from courting.

I have feelings for guys which I truly do not understand. The only one I completely understand (or at least I think I understand) is obsession/addiction. Can that be love? I don't know...

I feel something for Brick. It's almost like love. I'm obsessed with a close on-line friend. But wouldn't that latter cancel the former? I'm confused.

Brick is tired of waiting after almost a year...made his umpteenth move yesterday after a break in his succession of moves. I don't know if it feels right. Still I rely on if I love him or not....and there I land over and over again. Stuck.

Shazi C

Is It Me?

Is it me who's wrong? Who knows? Do I care? Two need answers and I don't care to answer any.

Hurting because you've been hurt is heartless, childish/immature leading only to hurting one's self in the process.

I never liked it when my ex did it, and I dislike it more in relatives. It pisses me off that they try to get back at me for unintentionally and unknowingly hurting them. It hurts more than the normal hurt if there is such a thing.

You know I love you I show it in many ways...through sharing my art which I hold dear, doing things for you which I'd do for no other and yet you wilfully hurt me in the meanest of ways. I've put my heart on the line many times. I am your paparazzi, your Golden Globe audience, your fan when I need my own and you forget every time....only remembering to hurt me when I'm already at my lowest low. Thank you.

Thank you for showing me how you love. I won't follow in the pattern but neither will I subject myself to such beauty. This is the cut off point...it won't be easy but nothing worthwhile is.

Good Bye

Addicted

I am an addict in many ways. I love the addiction, obsession, the overuse which hides me from my world of self-inflicted pain.

Books have fallen into such a category. The internet...certain unexplored corners....

In an effort to hold my heart in place. In an effort to keep this knife against the cutting board away from my chest, I stay on too long..sleep a little less....keep this mind occupied on everything else a little longer. Take more time than is necessary on the unnecessary, overload on that which is heavy....read novels, online blogs, IMing with persons I care not about, use farmville as a pathetic excuse of distraction and when it isn't enough double it with other facebook activities, yahoo, gmail, google, hotmail, aim, wikipedia and now blogger.

What am I really doing with these? Nothing but trying to keep you away, when you've never been near. Trying to hold your voice out at sea and your smile in its depth. Because the truth is I don't know you and I find it harder to understand how I could allow myslef to fall, tangle and interweave you into who I was over five years.

I could have had a full life if I'd turned away before. But here I am trying to get away from that perfect image of you residing within and without my walls of sanity.

Shazi C
I will be free