After Planning I Forgot

After planning which page would be XHTML for a project for this trimester, I managed to forget to make the page XHTML and also forgot the XML. You can't imagine the thrill. I've got to at least give thanks to God for focusing me and finishing the project. I couldn't focus for most of the term and that really made the subjects and their tests difficult. Imagine reading and not remembering the word you just read. Imagine reading one passage five times and not understanding anything having the word there empty. Imagine sitting in front of a test paper seeing what's on the paper and not being able to comprehend or pull anything which you know about the specific topic and now imagine fighting to keep focused while doing a test, assignment, project or studying with no sound whatsoever in your mind except your voice saying, "Focus".

I've done better than I expected, or imagined. Thank you, Father.

Peace, and Love
Shaziane

Lately...Thank You, Jesus.

Lately, without doing anything extra except thinking that I am the best me there is I have been feeling more accomplished, and confident. THanks goes to the Father, and a friend Kadeedm Joseph who posted a quite on Facebook sometime ago which said that we'll never get farther than we think we can. From that point I decided to think that I am the best along with a few other positive statements which have brought me to a point of writing two poems. Poems which I didn't force but write as the came/ were seen . If that's not good enough then you should know that lyrics have been coming to me as I shower, ride on the bus, and listen to music.

The old, more artistically inclined me has re-awaken. Thank you, Jesus.

I'm off to do Math, share my writing and watch vlogs by The Vlog Brothers: Hank and John Green.

Peace and Blessings
God be with you

Life Is What You Make It

November 21, 2011 23:10

Today didn't go as I planned. I am yet to complete my math and modern markup and I'm still feeling mediocre in drawing.

I am, however, feeling much better on an emotional level, which is proving to be good for my academic progress which, though small is significant I can say that I now understand the majority of the Markup in Mathematics of Finance and I am a bit closer to finalizing my final project for drawing as well as beginning a plan for its execution. In addition I've made the decision and have begun to distance myself from persons who try to and are holding me back specifically a cousin and a classmate. At first I wasn't going to tell them, but I've decided that it's best to make them know so as to make it easier for myself and avoiding them both.

This year has truly been one of many ups and downs and I'm pleased to say that I will be ending this one as I did last year, on a high. They will not be in the same vicinity but a high is a high nonetheless and I am more than thankful for it. I hope to begin writing again sometime soon.

Writing so my heart can breathe
Writing so my soul can sing
Writing so that the earth can feel me living

I still the love the man I fell in love with at the beginning of the year. I can say without a doubt that I love our relationship. He's not my lover...but he is so much more. :')

Peace and Blessings
My the joy that sprouts these tears within my soul inspiring the churning zeal find your mind wherever it reads.

It Takes One Person To Light The World ;)

Over the last few years I've been absent on WDC as it is affectionately known.

I happened by in time to see that an auction was ongoing and guiltily put in a bid. A way of telling myself that it was okay with this act to cover my neglect. The package auction included three reviews among other literary gifts.

After allowing more than enough time to pass due to my lack of time management I popped in to WDC without expecting anything. Instead I was greeted by: reviews for Do You Know, Daddy, and Running. I'd forgotten about all except Daddy and the reviews by Steve brought me back to a place within myself which I call home, haven.

I'm feeling quite pleased with myself now, having been reassure that my home remains and that I am still who I set out to be. It feels good. And though it seems like I'll be forfeiting NaNo I still feel like the writer I am.

Flu

Can you imagine in less than a month I have the flu...AGAIN!!!

How fun! And now I have even more work to do.

Fighting

I feel miserable and I should probably be doing something worthwhile but I didn't even feel like getting out of bed today so it's a start I'm already at school where I can't duck school plus I have a big test today. Lickily I manged to complete two assignments yeterday and I can complete a third today.

Feeling depressed and you know but yeah. Fighting


Peace nad Blesings

Sick...Tired.....Wanting to be Free

Feeling flu-y among other things I haven't been taking care of myself as I should be. I've been a bit depressed over the last few weeks, days, who knows I've been out-of-whack with the time as well. I'm back to that phase where it's easier to sleep during the day and can't due to my timetable, at nights my mind is so clustered that I cannot go to sleep yet it is the best time for m to produce work.

I feel alone yet bombarded and I'd really like to take a break from everything and simply go back to it. I decided I'd write an autobiography for Nano but I seem to be changing my mind on that I don't like to be attached to one thing for too long or else it becomes a bore. These subject per trimester really work out because I don't know how I'd last with some of these subjects. The only thing I've stuck at is writing, creating, writing mostly because the means to it is always there. Yes, I do have to create the time to sit and write at times but still I don't once I've put my mind to it, it's done......; sitting on the bus; eating; just before nodding off. I must say a Blackberry improves one's writing if that person uses certain applications to the fullest, such as the emailing capabilities and the word processor application. If the Word isn't present the text/notepad can also be used.

I'm tired: emotional, physically. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of making paths. I'm just tired.

I'm also having fun. I've been creating and those times that I have over the last couple of weeks have been great. They made me feel so alive. They made my mind turn effortlessly with effort. What I mean is: i was working and there was no stress, at times doubt but always a possible direction just in case and it felt so good.

I've, apparently, got to decide what my cost for designing is. I have absolutely no clue what that should be no clue whatsoever. Got to check it out.

The more I write the more I want to write. Writing clears my mind and oddly the words move from my mind to the screen almost instantaneously with little thought and it makes me want to continue and then I stop and slowly the feeling of having to try so hard to reach mediocre finds its way back and I begin to feel like a failure and less and less motivated......

I was offered something last week. Actually two things both of which I've (technically) turned down one of which I'm waiting to arise for the third time. Let's hope that I should really be taking it because if i shouldn't then that would be quite unfortunate. It's a dream which I hadn't thought of pursuing but it seems that the dream itself is pursuing me.

Do You Know

Do you know
Why I love you?


It’s because
The world doesn’t see me
Like you do


I love you
Because you see me


I love you
Because you’ve seen me
Three times in agony
And each time, still beauty


I love you
Because you see me


Like no one else


Can
Wants to
Cares to


You see me
The way I want to be loved


With every flaw shown clearly


You see me


With the vibrancy
I aspire to


In the sadness of truth
You
See
Me


Dirty


In the cleanest of ways


And for that
I love you


For pushing me
A step further
Closer to my destiny


Without burning my edges
Using my ashes
Building this passion


Slowly, softly


With care


I love you

Busy

I have no idea as to what I should be saying except that I am busy. I have multiple things that I should be doing and they are stalled for whatever reason. Life is moving and so am I.

Peace and Love

Is it possible for me to have DID

After reading the below I couldn't help but wondering since I seen to have all of the warning signs to an extent. But I think I'll stick to the once I can question if I have it I don't senario. Hmmm. In addition I haven't lived through anything traumatic.
 

Dissociative Identity Disorder

What it is:
A survival mechanism, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) occurs when extreme trauma causes a person to compartmentalize their pain, thereby creating multiple personalities. The onset of this disorder is in childhood, usually from ages three to nine, because it is still possible for them to break their developing "self" into multiple personalities.
Warning Signs:

• Inability to recall important personal information.
• Impaired social functioning.
• Assumption of a new identity.
• Loss of time.

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/escaping-hades/physical-effects-of-being-raped-or-sexually-assaulted/menu-id-806/page-2/#did
 
 
Next on the list. I have a headqche which is coming on which is strress relatewd. I have yet to submit any substantial work for my English course and I feel behind on the others-ish.
 
Bless me Father.
 
 
Sincerely,
Shaziane

I don't know why

I don't know why the hell I ever though and keep fooling myself into ever thinking that I'd fit in. The only time I really do is when I'm imitating somebody and it's just so unreal and still I keep doing t , I keep trying to fit in to feel apart while maintaining my identity and it doesn't work....thankfully for who I am is me and even though I try wearing everybody's coat my skin, still shows beneath and the coat just don't fit right. They look pretty and I stand out for a while until I really begin to stand out and it's getting to me and I feel as though I"m going crazy and things keep getting hazy only they never clear they simply get hazier and then it gets hard to see and then what do I do get the urge to clear my eyes with tears but what good will that do when I can see clearly but there's nothing to see?

I really need to get comfortable in my skin, enjoy my nudity because it's beautiful even though I keep denying it. I don't know why it's so hard when I know exactly what I need to know which is that I will never fit in and that my skin is mine. It's for me to use it in a manner which is best and that isn't  being cover in fraudulent mess.

I found someone in whom I see myself and he is different. He stands out in a way that allows persons to gravitate towards him and mimic 'him', not the other way around. He's different. His skin glitters n the dark and he doesn't wear a coat....or I can't make out the coat if there is one. I thought he was what I was looking for and it still feels that way only he has already found what I found in him within himself also and he doesn't need or want a compliment. So again I've got to do something that's worthwhile and me and inspiring and I am so tired of playing silly games, looking for friends and trust and trust and loyalty and apparently....it does not exist with the realm in which I've peered. So....I'm saying, maybe for the millionth time, forget everything, I'm doing me.


I am a twenty-one year old poet who plays wit various personality traits depending on my moods. I do not have any disorders. I generally live in depressionand I am aware of how to use it. I am anti-social and I enjoy observing and manipulating emotions through the arts. I am a voluptuous female who does not feel the need to be the centre of a male's attention when it comes my body, rather I enjoy being enlightened. I am honest, loyal and trustworthy in every sense of the word. I lie quite well and quite easily. I am proud. I have great potential and perseverance both of which I am trying to get passed those sages to being greater, the best.

I am a female with enough anger to kill without remorse. However, death isn't my job. So from hence forth I refuse to be shut up. I chose to tell you the truth as is asked or not.


Sincerely,
M-E

Over The Top

Pleases stop staring at my legs

They were here yesterday

And today your making them shake

Please stop staring at me

I was here yesterday too

And you're making me quiver

Silver bells ring in my ears

And I refuse to decline a pathway to these sliver tears

I cannot bear it any longer

This isn't making me stronger

My bones feel cold

My eyes hotter

My arms, legs....without ground they are

Wordless breaths escape this throat, clearly, through clenched teeth


And I think...a thought is formed


Fingertips connect with cotton...


Mercy!


...the thought is dashed...reduced to naught

And I sit,

Eyes fluttering,

Head tossing to and fro, trying at best to rid this thing in my veins

And yet this a supplement,

An elixir perhaps,

This is that which I can no longer live without.


Sincerely,
Shaziane

P.S. Do forgive me once again.

Sooo Goood

Good Morning,
 
I feel soooo goood. Like jellin goood, like move-your-body,-make it hypnotic good. I feel sexy...no I don't feel sexy because that depends on the outsider's perceptive of what sexy is. But I feel good. Good like the first crush good, the first guy that you love good, the first guy that shows you what love is (not what the media portrays but the good stuff we dream of and try to understand) good. The first taste of time shattering chocolate good. The first hit of love story where the ending is one which you desire and which seems realistic.
 
This feels like and orgasm, an emotional orgasm. Tears whelm, the earth is non-existent and I have to touch, grab, hold something to brace myself, to remind the rest of me that it isn't just me, that I've got to keep myself together. No screaming, no shouting, no jumping or running, no "oh-my-Lord-have mercy", no "yes, this is good", no tears streaming, no breathless exhales or smiles that make the rest of me tingle or maybe that tingle is wht causes the smile. Owwwwwww.
 
I feel good. I feel good. I feel guhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhoooood. Yeah. This is the untouchable stuff.
 
May your day be filled with peace and joy and many blessings.
 
I'm off I've got ten pages due and I am undaunted by that fact. I feel good.
 
God Bless,
Shaziane

I want to touch you

I want to touch you.
 
I don't need any indecency. I don't need any nudity. All I want to do is touch you.
 
A skim of fingers. A handshake. Even the passing of an object.
 
What would really please me is a hug.
 
A siimple, uncomplicated hug.
 
With your arms wrapped around me loosely, your fingers resting on my clothing so that the cloth barey touches my skin.
 
 
Lord, have mercy. Please, really do.
 
 
Wow. You came too close.
 
Two...four feet too close. But those four...two feet felt like "Death Of A Slave" (Martin Carter) and "Death Of A Salesman (Arthur Miller) maybe even a little bit of Tennesse William's Glass Menagerie, all combined.
 
Torture!
 
And yet they felt like "The Second Sons Trilogy" (Jennifer Fallon), "Pride and Prejudice" (Jane Austen) and great performances that have reduced me to trembling.
 
Breathtaking Ecstacy...
 
Mercy! This is insanity.
 
This emotional roller coaster is going too fast for me.
 
I feel like crying heartbreak tears along with the I'm-so-happy-I could-cry solo.
 
And yet all I could do...was nothing
 
All thoughts ceased.
 
 
Pitifully
 
 
Restraint was still avalable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sincerely,
Shaziane
 
 
P.S. Do forgive the format. But this is simply how I felt it come. REleasing that just as is felt good! Peace.

Assumption.

Feeling hurt and threatened. I am just sad that my importance though small in my mind is much less than I assumed. It's that simple.
Sincerely,
Shaziane

Change happens, happen with it or happen back

He kinda made me change my mind. I hate it. I'd like what I can't have. I hate it. It hurts. And...I hate that too. The feminine dependence has return and it's a trait that you know by now...that I hate.

Kiss me like you need to. Touch me like your begging to hear me. Speak to me like it's your last wish.

I sing. I dance. I shake a little ass.

I really thought I was off this train for good. Then I decided to pray for what's best...and the pain returned. And I am here feeling feelings which seem so pointless, which seem as though they have no meaning. I've accepted the pain. Really I have: but do I have to be subject to feeling like subordinate to someone who can't sense my existence? Then again I should be clear on this. So I'm retracting that question, because I am not and do not feel subordinate to anyone. What I do however feel is the need to be in constant contact: verbal, physical, to know of the well being of the body and psyche. I feel responsible for and yet dependent on someone which I should only classify as a simple idea which exists only within the bounds of my mind and maybe my heart if this entire thing isn't a mind trick played on me by that which I've fed myself over the years mingled with a bit of truth.

But as has been stated and restated over the last couple of days: we use our pains to create magnificence which has the power to lead others to freedom. It feels good to once again make such quotes, phrases what have you. And with all of this built-up, unsettled, dangerous debris flying...it feels good to be back.

I hadn't thought of writing this before but it might be god to note for later use. I need to figure out a way to deal with people who are using and abusing me without isolating myself in a manner that stifles...me.

Did I forget to post the review for Little Bee until seconds ago, just before publishing this? Yes, yes I did. Accept my humble apology. It has yet to be typed and I have been busy emotionally and otherwise. Excuses, excuses they seem to be reigning. (Pun intended.) It'll be posted tomorrow. ;-)

Peace & Love

Blessings

Sincerely,
Shaziane

Relationship and Trust

I am afraid of relationships.

I've given them a try: boyfriend/girlfriend and best friend situations and my value/trust system does not seem to coincide with anyone else's. Trust does not seem to be an aspect which is celebrated and neither is loyalty. For that reason I find it hard to believe in people. I find it terribly difficult to say I'll give you my all because I don't even know if what I'm getting is even you and I pride myself on being real, trustworthy and loyal and they are traits which I need to be/have reciprocated.

Loyalty/Trust Issues:

1) Dating an ex's friend isn't forbidden. It is simply non-existent.

2) Tossing in a person's insecurities into the mix while arguing (esp in a crowd) is unacceptable.

3) Using faults of another to ascend, heartless.

There are any others but I refuse to dwell on them at this moment.

Next, and probably most important is my inability to simply accept and live in the moment entirely. It is virtually impossible for me to see a squint of the eyes and not question it. Most actions and reactions are scrutinised as I try to find the raw feelings beneath and I get lost. Knowing the disloyalty of humans keeps me from trusting and truly accepting anything at face value.

I met a man: a gorgeous man with a brilliant, searching and creative mind. He was different. His thought process complimented mine and though his age did not and he did not see me as his match, I could not help but think that he was/is. But I have thought about a possible relationship with him in the case that he changed his mind only to realize that such a thing would never work because I cannot live without questioning. So I have released the man with the beautiful mind and I wish him the best in life and love, but I'll always hold him dear and I hope with as much hope that I can that I can be and stay his friend and maybe sometime close to forever even a dear friend.

I'll pray that he lives a long, full and healthy life, that he finds a woman with whom he can mesh, who will love his scars as her own and vice versa. I wish them well (when he finds her).

I sound a little crazy and I am aware of it. ;-)
Sincerely,
Shaziane

Apology and Update

For the lack of coherence and spirit in the last two entries do forgive me. They were started in the height of passion and business. At that point I jotted what I could and pitifully it wasn't enough to do any of the entries justice really but I promise to make it up to you and I'm becoming better with promised.

On another note, I finished Chris Cleave's Little Bee which I'll be reading an excerpt from at the event mentioned earlier in twenty-four hours and considering how slowly I've been reading lately and how out of focus I've been that's a great this. (< That sentence is too long. Never do that.) I'll be writing a review for you after the next two entries.

Once again sorry and you are invited to Best of Book, Friars Hill Road, 5-6;30pm, Thursday 14, April 2011.

Love & Blessings.

Sleep well.

Truth (Art)

Truth: The first occupation I really felt, that made me happy just thinking about it (though I've never done it per se) is acting. I was young and I knew it's non-existent in ANU. From there I turned to writing and it seems my horizon keeps broadening in the arts which brings me to the realisation that I just 'might' find myself acting (on a very serious note) in the future....

And if any of you are in the area come to B.O.B Friars Hill Rd 5 - 6:30 where local authors will be reading from selected books and their own work in support of the US National Library Week.
Sincerely,
Shaziane

So Special

You are so special to me.

My first manual thoughts in sadness as I wake are to you. In falling it is the same. As happiness abodes nothing changes. It hurts to feel such a significant attachment to someone to whom I am so insignificant, pointless, non-existent.

"Outside Looking In"
Jordan Pruitt

You don't know my name
you don't know anything about me
I try to play nice
I want to be in your game
The things that you say
You may think I never hear about them
But word travels fast
I'm telling you to your face
I'm standing here behind your back

[Chorus:]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

If you could read my mind
You might see more of me than meets the eye
And you've been all wrong
Not who you think I am
You've never given me a chance

[Chorus:]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Well, I'm tired of staying at home
I'm bored and all alone
I'm sick of wasting all my time

[Chorus (x2):]
You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Pitifully, that's not just for my love life...it's for everything.

Sincerely,
Shaziane

With You

When I'm with you time seems to change. The minutes before and after are separated from our meeting by an eternity.

It's weird how I fall in love with you all over again whenever we interact. It feels a little like insanity...one that I'm addicted to.

I hate how dependent I am on you without even knowing you. It's ridiculous how I feel like running into your arms whenever I run into any problem. I run to you first, only and we aren't even friends. We are hardly acquaintances. I have never felt so drawn to anyone else.

You remind me of myself. The parts the I dearly love. Then there parts that are so uniquely you which I wish to explore, some parts which I desire to imitate.

If there ever was a chance this would have been it. But I have accepted what is already and there's no going back. Love in this world (the romantic kind) does not give back only work does.

I'm getting to the point of full acceptance and I think being simple friends will get me far along my desired path.

I finally read a piece at this year's open mic session. It was nerve racking but fulfilling as well. It felt quite good in the end.

Blessings,
Shaziane

Retracting: The Gall

So apparently, I am not being blamed for the breakdown. It's good.

My anger has been diffused but my worrying has been heightened. I can't 'just' hang with him or he might make a move or even think that there might be a chance. Trading on for the other.

I thought...

I thought I was special. I thought that there was something in which set me apart from the rest.

She said I should ask. I didn't expect that answer. I didn't expect to be told in such clear terms that I was nothing: just another unremarkable painting in a chipped and charred frame, used to shield, hide, distract. I thought I was more than pastry for the sight, and I wasn't even that. I wish I'd never asked. She isn't in pain. She isn't broken. I should never have asked.

I came out of one depression last week over failing an exam, to fall into another over some human being. I prayed and with the help of God redeemed the grade only to ask a seemingly insignificant question. How glorious it is to fall in a bottomless pit where wounds remain wounds.

It's odd how I've been feeling so down about this. It's odd how I could let this be the doorway for my sadness, my depression when I truly mena that little to you.

I thought....wrong. And apparently it's the norm. Apparently it is fully accepted by all even her. It's the okay thing to do. Okay hurts a lot. I thought some things were scared. I thought I was one of those things. But again I thought wrong.

Failed

I am so pissed. Why the hell can't I create? Why am I failing so badly? I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry beyond measure. I knew I would fail. I accepted it the moment I realized and still it hurt so damn bad. Why? Why am I in so much pain over a fail? This is ridiculous. I am angry.

Yes, I promised I wouldn't failed again and it's art we're talking about and it hurts that I could be so ridiculous. It hurts that I can pass everything else and fail the art related course it hurts in every possible way that it could. This feels like a betrayal of self. Do you know what it is to betray you?

I am at a halt, a stop with no doors, no leaks, nothing that allo9ws breathing, and nothing that allows me to move in my own mind.

I feel like screaming. A good scream would be worthwhile. It would get me somewhere. I need to get out of this box. I need to be released from this trap within my own mind. I need this freedom and I need it now.

The Gall

Where do people find such gall to slander my name?

Are the backbones of the masses dissolving or disappearing?

Have these people no conscience?

Fine. Let me be real with you. My ex after a year and about eight months after our biggest break up he decides to blame me for problems of his after he had the gall to text me on our unofficial anniversary to say that he remembers it AND that he has been dating another chick on the same island as me for OVER a month when we had not been apart for two months yet.

Egotistical

Me? Seriously?

The first definition which might stand out in your mind is "to think highly of one's self". Now, if that is the case I would not generally be classed under such an umbrella simply because it's just not the way I portray myself. I do think highly of my work and talents though I need to focus and practice more than I do at this moment. But egotistical is not a word associated with me. I do not think of myself as being any higher than other nor do I think of others as being any higher than myself. This leaves us all on the same plain.

For this reason it was odd hearing that I was. It shocked me completely. There had to be another meaning for the word that I was unaware of right? There isn't. They all come down to one thing: being utterly selfish.

I do not see how that conclusion was made but I will try my best to be a bit more humble. It can't hurt.

I've wondered. Is it my refusal to give up, let things be, move on after you've told me you're not interested which makes you feel that way? I don't know. But I should say this. It is not my ego which makes me think that you will give in, rather it is a simple hope that you will somehow love me and my imperfections, somehow. Because truthfully, I often wonder how someone will love me as me. I often wonder.

And then this might seem contradictory to my previous entry in which I've stated that I closed my book on dating. It is not. This is the reason for it. I am tired of looking for that which I cannot find: love that I love which loves me back as I it. It is tiring playing this game, and though I have set it within myself to refrain from dating and the like. Though I have repeated it. I my heart still calls, my skin still tingles, my love still burns beneath these unwanted ashes.

In other news, I am busy, moody, tired, sleep and should be doing the homework which I actually got up to do. At the moment I am in a much better mood than the passed few days. I feel motivated and we'll see about increasing the frequency of these posts/entries.

Peace, Love, Blessings

Shaziane

So Hurt But I'm Moving

It's not as though I'm going back on my words. But nonetheless it still hurts and nonetheless I am still moving.

Peace & Love

Shaziane

So Tired But I'm Moving

You're there and yet you aren't and I cannot handle the inconsistency.

You tempt me and then push me in the direction of some unknown as though I should be aware of something that's not really there and all I'm really ever asking for is you.

But you can't see...you refuse to see what you've already seen.

I'm tired of loving you...tired of loving...I'm tired

I'm tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling helpless, worthless, as though I might lose, as though I am losing, tired of fearing, feeling afraid of my failure, of failing again because I feel that if I do. I am tired of feeling tired despite all of my resting and tired of waking in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep.

I feel so empty, emotional, immature, hurt, and a little stupid. I could act smarter.

I should write but truthfully I don't feel like it. I considered changing for you but I go through enough changes without changing for the pleasure of others...as if you would notice. It's ridiculous how vulnerable I feel when it comes to males that I like. It's even ridiculous how I'm so unsure about if what I'm feeling is real.

I'll write. I need to. It's not only my sanity. But I've also got a competition coming up. So I will.

I'll write because I intend to better 2010 with 2011. To put it simply I have to win every contest I entered in 2010 especially those I didn't win. Though I won a section of the Wadadli Pen Prize Competition, I have to win it overall this year.

So here I come first competition of the year.


Soon to come is this year's resolution. Last year's expires in March.


Peace & Love

Shaziane

This Weekend

Over the course of this weekend, something amazing happened. I went through a number of changes, had several mood swings and managed to exit with wings.

On Friday, I had the desire to be desired and I wasn't in the least bit. I wasted a large amount of time thinking and rethinking, formulating and discarding, reasons and solutions. I still wasn't desired. My time had been wasted.

On Saturday, I could not sleep. I pined and pined and pined. For over four hours was I twisted and tossed while trying desperately to close my mind. My thoughts refused to settle. Yet again my time had produced nothing but anxiety.

It had made me sick. I had to do something. I made my move. A sooty boot was my reward. But with my answer before me my mood only worsened.

This was ridiculous. Over a guy? I made a few mental notes and kept going over them. If I made a wrong move I could doom myself forever. Eventually I realized that the life I was living was already doomed.

For some umpteenth time I recalled three months of absolute peace, happiness, love in self and I yearned for such a feeling. A feeling never experienced before and only when I had tossed all care aside. I wanted that and so I decided to truly abandon the search for the guy who can deal with the moody, depressing swings that I know.

Truthfully, the times when I'm most depressed is when I'm in the game. I just might be a little too old for the game, or maybe, I am a little too lazy to play it. Either way, this is the official sign off.

I am twenty-one years old, and I have stopped dating.

Sunday was interesting. After waking early in the morning and finding some interesting gals to follow on Twitter what I found even more interesting in how strangely normal I am in the emotional department or how weird they are. It was pleasing to see and experience.

I returned to bed for several hours, woke before seven am., and began the regular sunday chores. I wasn't feeling happy and I cannot describe how I felt but I am aware that something had changed. By this evening I was completely happy. Staring into a mirror I glowed till my eyes sparkled with tears. I'd regained that joy for those months and I'm ready to be me.

Beautiful isn't just another word. It is who I am.

I am twenty-one and I have stopped dating.

Shaziane C
Peace & Love
God Bless

You'd think I'd think

You think I'd be smarter about something like this. You'd think I play the game differently after so long. You'd think I'd know my own strength. You would think I could control my impulses. Yet my spontneuity only lasts as long as my decisiveness as each holds the others hand leading to a place unknown....but every time one thing is certain. Hurt.
 
The uncanny bility is mine to find a metal knife in the middle of the ocean, poison somewhere in the sky, death where only life can survive. To have lost is to have held victory in the palm, and willingly let it go in fear.
 
SC