Hair...Health? (18/12/2012 02:55)

As of late, meaning late last week to this point my symptoms have been returning. I have no clue why. Or at least I dln't think so. My arm, shoulders, knees, black of neck have begun hurting once again. Could it bed due to my alternating between trihemic and B complex tablets? Of stress? Of the latter: How do I deal with it considering how calm I feel?

I'm just curious. I need to get the tests Dr. Moulon sent me for: $320. My spectacles broken In half on Friday or Thursday As I was Cleansing them In the shower and the lens also need upgrading: $1300.

So, some sabbaths ago my gran brought home the news that relaxing one's Hair can cause brain cancer. I tool this extremely seriously and conferred with a well informed friend and his comments led me further into thd decision that I would not relax my Hair again. Unfortunately, while turning the idea over In my mind As to how I would deal with my thick, Kinky Hair As it grows I realized I couldn't do it. It takes me hours to give the appearance of my Hair looking ridiculous When it is not relaxed. That was why I relaxed it In the first place, to make it easier to handle and give me the appearance of being put together. I shared this tidbit with my friend As well to which he replied that there was another way to straighten my Hair with a lime solution. Research provide him correct. Having found the (Coconut milk and) Lime solution I tried it out In Sunday. It worked. To make sure though I left it In my Hair for longer than recommended. My Hair has not been relaxed in three months prior.

In addition, it would seem that it has even done an extra something to my hair which feels and looks great with an added bouncy well moisturized look and feel to it. But we'll have to wait to see of this is really another added benefit. Did I mention that the ingredients are extremely inexpensive? I'll get specific with you after a little more investigation. The only things that may seem out of the way (for others) is that the concoction may need to bed placed very medium heat to thicken and (for me) a dryer is required to activate the solution. However, these problems can both be eliminated. For the first, use 'thick' Coconut milk and for the second use a steam cap. I used the one with the foil-like texture which does not need to be plugged in and it served its ourpose and more since I also used it When conditioning my hair.

This has brought a little more peace and contentment to my slot in the world.

Straighten Kinky Hair

Ingredients and Items:

1 tin Coconut Milk
2 tbsp. Extra Virgin Olive Oil
4 tbsp. Lime Juice
3 tbsp. Corn Starch

1 Steam Cap or Dryer

Method:

In a large bowl, mix Coconut Milk and extra virgin olive oil until it blends. In another bowl, mix corn starch together until lump-free. They combine both mixtures. Put it over medium heat and whisk. You are not cooking they mixture, but activating they cornstarch  which should thicken and bring the mixture to a conditioner type consistency. If it is too thin, add a bit more cornstarch. If they Coconut milk is thick there is no need for the cornstarch.

Apply to hair in sections. Cover your head with a plasric and steam for 30 minutes under a Dryer. Or simply use a steam cap to do the task.

Put the remainder In a plastic and freeze for the next time.

Shampoo your hair thoroughly and treat it with your regular conditioner/treatment. When washing your hair for the last time use cold or lukewarm water.

Additions....Healing? (11/12/2012 12:13)

So I've been desperately trying to stay away from erotica, the verbal, written, and visual. In most parts there has been great success. The strategy was or is to stay as far away from it as is possible. Because I am or was in the constant habit reading and critiquing them, it is easy to discern if a  book or novel is of the genre in the first lines or page. With this and the turning away from sensually, sexual depictions and staying far from acquaintances and colleague who are enticed by things of the sort, and with heavy doses of prayer and supplication has the temptation been dulled and set down.

Today, however, I picked up and read the first thirty-three pages of a Nora Roberts book fully well knowing that it was romance (also a weakness) and I enjoyed it in innocence  It didn't give me the urge to have more of it. The urge I got was to read more. There is something about reading suspense, thrillers, and detective that captures me and there is something about writing as well that entangles me. I think the major aspect was that the two main characters were writers: one a fiction writer focusing on horror; and the other a magazine writer with the desire to write fiction. It felt good reading about us, having our quirks, differences, feelings validated. Writing fulfills my every desire. I think :-)

11/12/2012 12:34

Decisions (11/12/2012 00:03)

Present happening:
I think I just hurt a friend in Trying to be entirely honest. Now I'm feeling pained. However, I have since made an amends of sorts by having the person promise to tell me his problem. It feels much better, not perfect but less burdened.

Decisions:

Over the last years I have been Wondering where I'm headed and it is my belief ghat I comd to ths point shere I am positive of how I wan to Life my personal and professional life. I want fhem to be synced so perfect tly that their end and begin appear, after deep scrutiny, to be indistinguishable. It is my desire to live and be of the Life I want. Both should be ruled by the exact principles, and neither should become less important because of the other.

This will be extremely difficult especially with mg black of time management. However, with the elimination of certain aspects space, gime, and peace become available for the important. The most important goal, task, things in my world is helping people, making them feel happier, healthier, freer, more at ease in their own skin, loved, precious, meaningful in self, existence and t the world. What is also of importance, is me feeling this way as well, and the things which enable me to feel everything above is the use and expression of my talent for the betterment of persons. Yes, what I've just written is entirely circular and for that reason the decision I am or have made seems...justified. To complete the work I have set before me it requires unfaltering dedication which cannot be given If I decide to form a family.

And there one could interject, 'I bet she's just sad about not finding Mr. Right.' However, I have found him. At least I found what I,very been looking for: someone who respects, trusts, accepts, appreciates, values, and cherishes me and what I bring to them table. Prior to writing this I have extensively thought about the possibility of marrying this wonderfully capable man, and in doing so I've realized I could lose the friend I have in him and my dream...simultaneously and that is too much to handle. I love my friend. I enjoying our friendship which can last for the next fifty plus years but I am not ready to take any unnecessary risks. The only saddeningly unfortunate thing that can happen for me is him marrying in the near future. And still, though that would be excruciating it would remain on a level lower than the lack of a dream or dreams fulfilled.
11/12/2012 00:51

This will be tumultuous but nothing of significant substance is ever easy. The understanding that there will be opposition from confidantes to strangers is present. But my aim, my will is too big to be deterred for want of normalcy where it has never existed. With the path presently being designed, it is intended that peace and happiness will dwell with a strong dose of contented aspirations. Having gotten to this point in the entry I'm remembering, I'm being reminded that God is the Leader. He is the one upon whom I should depend for the writing and designing of life's path. He is the One who decides the job or jobs which I must accomplish, and He is the one sets the time. But honestly, I just don't want to be hurt again, and I want to help people, and do so from without the box.

May God add His blessings unto me, and the works which my hands have and will do. Amen.

It's Been Awhile (30/11/2012 21:15)

While plugging in they tablet my intention was to use the Bible app and write a poem. However, having plugged it in, turned it on, reorganized the folders and opened a new note I am in the mood to blog. I have not done something like this in an extremely longe time. Apparently, I am yearning for it more than my conscious self can discern.

Lately, Life has been good, busy, but good. The Lord has helped me tremendously in academics and emotionally. On a regular basis battles are engaged on varying fronts. But that is Life and though it gets terribly difficult and disheartening at times...I am enjoying it with the Father. I could not be doing any of this: being happy, and free, and totally me without Him.

I am blessed, and aware, and grateful for both factors.

I am tired as well and this is all I'm producing before turning in on this another Hallowed Sabbath.


Peace, Love, and Blessings

Removing The Blood Under My Fangs

Some time ago, I feel deeply in love, I was mesmerized by vampires. I remember watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and becoming enthralled in the series entirely: the protagonist and her love interest. It just so haven't he was a vampire. Spike loved her though he shouldn't have, wanted her beyond belief, betrayed his very being to be near and protect her. As the pitiful romantic that I am I fell for that. And of course as I continued to religiously watch the show the guy who she actually likes, Angel, enters and the mystery of him is captivating and again he too is a vampire. This was the beginning. How I feel deeper is harder to give a timeline.I am unsure about whether I found Charmed by waiting a little longer after Angel finished on TNT or waking to early too early for Charmed and happening upon Angel. How I got from Buffy to which ever of those is first is beyond me. But the point is: I was in deep: vampires, witches, vampire slayers, vampires who slay other evil beings, witch saving the world and themselves on a regular falling in love with unattainable men due to their evil position. You've gotten the gist.

The absurd the here isn't even that I became taken up with all of this and how. That part enters here when I tell you that through watching all of those things that I was fully aware of the impact they could have on other people; how true they were; how evil and demolishing they could be to the unguarded mind. [Growing up in the environment I did I know that witches and demons, soothsayers and the devil are real just as the vampires. Yes, they are real. They do not have the powers that are portrayed on screen and they are not immortal. Then again...considering there are demons and such some of the tricks they might have obtained. But they are not desirous characters, but are simply drinkers of blood. (And it should be noted that this is a blatant sinas the bible states not to.)] Knowing this I always kept my mind on-guard so as to always have my resistance up. Nonetheless I was still watching and reading the books, and series continuously.

It has been an extremely long time and because I enjoyed it so much , longer than it should have been. "But why stop?" you ask. It's not because I don't enjoy it or because I feel as though I've been harmed by it. I have made the decision to remove myself from all things which go against that which my God has said. It is my way of taking a stand. It is difficult to bypass numerous shows, series based on witches, vampires, werewolves, seers and the like it is excruciating. Then to add to that bit there's the onslaught of it in every other possible show on and around October 31. The point is though I don't feel hampered I know that God is bigger, wiser, more knowledgeable than I am and trusting Him is a big part of being in a relationship with Him and I like that kind of relationship where trust and faith, loyalty, honesty, openness are paramount.

I've realized that God treats us really special. He treats me really special. I could have died on so many occasions it's ridiculous, and I'm alive. I have sinned so blatantly and so often and He loves me enough to keep me here and still allow me the freedom to choose every day. He loves me despite my flaws. He listens to me despite my not listening to Him. He has allowed me to keep gifts which I have lain dormant for years. He bears with my everyday even when I'm ignoring Him. I am grateful to be loved in this way, this much do flawlessly. For that reason, I made this change and hope to make others soon.

In addition to refraining from watching shows of the sort mentioned it is also necessary that I change the name of this blog which is an advertizement of them. At the time I felt it was the perfect explanation saying that I was not what people thought and that I would be feeling free to be me here. Thankfully, the feeling I had in 2010 as I begun this of being controlled, in a box and completely the opposite of who I want to be has faded and I am comfortable with where I'm headed, and how I'm living.

Ink In These Veins feels like the perfect title. It shows the writer in me, the part which I cannot and do not want to get away from.

Peace, Love, and Blessings
Shaziane

I can't Believe

I saw this a minute ago and thought it had a poetic quality to it but it's not formatted or expressed well enough for the other blog and I like the rawness of it so it's here.

Written 12/06/2012 0912

I can't believe that every star in the sky will fade because I'm not with you. But I am looking and they are hiding, faces covered, eyes closed, bright lights shut off from my world. Diamonds, richness, peace, and warmth exposed in reverse.

I've underestimated love and my attachment to you. Underestimated how your actions, words, twiches affect me in large ways.

I am not the brave facade that is portrayed. I am not the confident stride projected  into the future. But by all means possible my being will be in time. I will rise and I will fly free, with passion, zest and the depths of my soul.

Peace...Wishing On A Star

Yesterday I decided to blog today. But today,  I don't feel motivated to do so. I'm just feeling down.

So...see you around.



Wishing on a star
wishing on a rainbow
wishing that the world would end tonight
wishing that my sorrow will dissipate
into something else

I am wishing wishing wishing
That everything goes perfect
I am wishing wishing wishing
that time doesn't stop
I am wishing
for the end
but I do not want to be anywhere
near the beginning

I am hoping hoping hoping
That you'll love me today
I don't I don't I don't I don't
want to rise to the sunset
I just I just I just
Want to see the sun high in the sky
Everytime I rise

October 2, 2012 - Introducing audio to blog

Guess-what-guess-what-guess-what!!!

Yea...if you read the title you already know. I'm bringing voice to these words. Woo hooo. There are nine minutes and thirty-nine seconds of recorded data. Yes, I'm aware that I could've typed it but to find out the reason you'll have to just...I don't know...take about ten minutes out of your day for my devastatingly awesome voice. LOL!!

Wow! That last statement had me near tears. In the first recording you're enlightened as to why I've taken to recording myself and the second updates you as to how I spent my summer. I don't remember it that well maybe because I slept so much. After listening you'll know what I remember about it.

The After you've given it a listen to the files I've got more to say...

October 2, 2012 - Introducing audio to blog

...right here. I apparently forgot a number of things while recording. That is the beauty of writing for me personally, or rather one of them: it is that I can portray myself as an eloquent individual.

On to busines:

Since the trimester started I've had a repeat of the Hb tests mentioned in January 27 - Anemia I Think and a few others. One good thing about chronicling it there is that I'd forgotten the result for my blood pressure only retaining that it was low. Having visited seconds ago I can say that it was 99/73. I tested at the lab on September 18, 2012 and it was 97/69 which is still low and my Hb level had dropped from 11.9 to 11.8. The lab technician was shocked, asked if it was always like that and stated that I should see a physician if it continues.

At the time, I could not remember but after it came back to me that it was always low but no one ever thought anything of it. I'd been tested once before. When I was working I had an unbearable pain in the back of my neck, a coworker who suffered from Hypertension insisted upon taking me to a clinic to have my pressure checked and there told me I was fine that it was actually a little low.

I tested again last Thursday at the MBS Diabetes Screening after taking B-Complex over the weekend. The nurse said it was perfect. I told her of the previous happening and asked if the B-Complex she affirmed this adding that  should also begin taking an iron supplement.

I've had a few pains, and dizzy spells since but they've been minor so I'm cool.

Got other stuff to do. So..I hope the audio isn't a bother. Back to school related activities.

Peace, Blessings, Love

Post written last week

This week has been a good one. I've had several humps to jump over and valleys to climb out of but it has been a learning experience ad I am pleased to have realized this during their happenings rather than after. It helped me to fight to maintain myself as the person I want and need to be rather than the person that others desire. And because of that at the end of the week I feel great. I haven't sold out. Ea part of the movement. Rather, I have set myself aside as being different, determined, and weird. I don't have much to say. Actually, I'm putting in the effort to be silent in times when I really feel like speaking simply to be comforted. It is an old project which has been re-energized. Let's see how it flows. I have a habit of typing a number of things on my phone and leaving them in the draft section. It helps to get my creativity out of my head into the world, and also to keep me from looking awkward while waiting in various places. In addition, it helps to get my frustration outer just things which need to be said which I refuse to speak for fear of whatever I fear.

Today I'm transferring them to the net as a way of clearing my phone. 

"I'm to be sexual because I'm afraid of being awkward and messing up everything so I freeze or ignore what's happening unless really pushed to do otherwise. I hate feeling awkward and on the spot."
 I actually intended to send this but decided against it immediately after typing it: the receiver would not have cared much or enough for it to be significant.  Sexual should be replaced with intimate. Reference to the same person and no clue of the time or place.

"Come steal me away. I beg of you please."
That guy...who never gets my text but is always in my texts.

"Forgiveness is difficult but necessary. Love is the best gift that I have/anyone could receive."
Truth spoken and I know not the reason or any other specifics

"I sob like a little girl when I don't get what I want. I feel like one when I don't, so I guess the action is fitting. I have effectively wasted $30. But last night was fun , tonnes of healthy, unbridled, honest fun. It may very well be the only fun of its kind that I ever indulge in. I miss the. An that showed me such fun in the simplicity of the mundane: walking, talking freely. But the strange bit is our feelings towards each other are nothing alike. He does not love me."
This refers to my not being able to attend When A Woman Moans on May 26, 2012. The above and below are joined in thought but written separately, since nothing has been edited for the sake of publishing.  

"You allow me the kind of freedom which I refuse to lose, refuse to give up for sex, relationship, a chance at perfection. I will only release this openness, this clarity of expression when the next aspect entails this within.

"I can't get physical with you unless there's an intimate relationship of love on your fingertips.""
Sounds...:pp I know


"I feel beautiful and happy and blessed."

"Be A Design Group | Quality of Life | Peace: 100 ideas |Passing-notes.com | Visitoffice.com | Hammerpress.net | Elixirdesign.com | Artwithheart.org |Ames Bros |344design.com | 17feet.com | Yesdesigngroup.com   FINGERPRINT"
Graphic Design related firms, books,etc taken from Fingerprint ( a book showcasing great designs.


"It is the lack of understanding love which cases most men to be so similar. If one does not understand or believe what is, how can they apply or accept it in their lives."
My thoughts on men and love..

"Lately I've been experiencing strange pains. When raising my arms shoulders hurt if pressure has been applied to them during sleep. My knees are another issue. If bent or my legs are intertwined while sleeping they hurt, moving heightens the level of pain.So repositioning is difficult. Putting pressure on the area with my hand helps a little. Actually the repositioning has to be done with my hands. Moving my legs on their own is very painful in the knees and muscles extending downward from there. However after being set straight the pain subsides quickly unless I decide to stand with a foot which still has a kink. In this case setting the foot right and standign for a few seconds takes care of the problem. Shifting to my back with relaxed armsat my side, quells the problem in my upper body. An area in my belly, possibly in the uterus hurts terribly. Touching it increases the pain. Nothing lessens the pain and inhaling makes it worst. Headaches formerly linked to overuse of the PC are back"
Scribbles on my health and pains.

"Yo no se por que creo tu ser diferente de otra hombre pero no eres y veo que ahora. Fue estupido de yo a espero. Esta es no necisita pero quiero hablar."
I just had to say this. I was hurt and finally realized that the guy I'm smitten with was not any different from any other. It wasn't mean to hurt it was meant as a way for me to get it out, so that it would stop bothereing me.

"A poem title, Every Flaw Put To Rest"
I writing poems on my phone a lot. :-)

"ILUC Campaign logo and t-shirt | Create the first i deside on colours. Check printing cost for second"
I really need to get this done for the last forever ago but.....time...tasks...procrastination


"Why does the world seem to stop when you enter a room? Why do my thoughts zoom in on you?Why does the room become too small when I'd like to exist and forget that you do? Why do I endure this torture when I'd like to run to the corner? Why do I stay when I should be walking away? If the truth should come alive, silence it. There's no need to have my name slandered with its lie. Tell that naked thing to clothe itself [because] I am (not) telling that man..'I love you'"
Just my feelings.......

I'll have to continue this later

Blessings and peace to all :-)
God is Love

Live As If Everthing Is A Miracle

Some time ago I was introduced to a quote by Albert Einstein via Twitter. It states:

"There are two ways to live: you can live as though nothing is a miracle;  you can live as if everything is a miracle."

It took a few seconds for me to grasp the full concept of this. 

Within my mind this translates to "you either believe in God, or you don't.". Furthermore, if one is to evaluate the happenings in and around Earth the magnificent of it becomes irresistible and mostly unexplainable. For instance the planet itself. How is it possible for gravity to exist within but not without? How do the planets rotate on their axes? What causes the texture in the various fruits and plants (especially banana)?

The design, concept, and creation of these things and others were not left up to chance. They were made by the Superior Being. That in my mind concludes that anything which happens after is triggered by what already exists. If the result of two or more miracles colliding equals another miracle.

This might not make much sense but it makes me feel happier. It makes me more thankful, grateful, and that is more than enough.

---

Follow up [In the case that you've been left guessing]

 

June 6 

The ending of the last blog post is a lamentation on the fact that I did not write for a while. Thankfully, I was inspired to write the next day and I'll be typing and posting them in Shaziane Is Poetry shortly. It felt extremely good writing. It feels extremely good to express myself using the written word.

April 18

For a moment I did not remember which class that was but I'm pleased to report that the grade changed...I over-reacted without much thought. And again I'm thankful to the Lord.

March 6

I have not been able to enter another competition because of my lackadaisical attitude and my schedule (aka my time management). However, I feel good about my writing at the moment.

I feel lost...

I feel so unsure and sad. I just spoke to someone who doesn't hold my best interest at heart bu t he said something really smart that I should've probably thought of before. I'm never going to be one of those girls who communicates and gets along with guys. I will never understand their language.

I love me. And I will do as I please.

I need to really start working on this script and the poem for Mac but I'm feeling low at the moment.

I keep thinking

I keep thinking that I am more important than I actually am to persons. I've made a habit of doing idiotic things in the name of being symbolic, special in the lives of people who truthfully see me as nothing more than nothing. Because everyone means more than they should to me.

Pity. Stupid little girl I am

I Need To Grow Into My Skin

It is rather amazing and ridiculous to think that as an adult I have not accepted who I am on a level which encompasses my entire being: physically, spiritual, mental and social.

On a regular basis for the last two months I've noted just how out of sync I feel with person how I thought were so similar in thought patterns and actions. In a one-on-one situation everything is fine all around. However when any other part is introduced I'm thrown out. In the literal sense, I am asked to leave or I am simply ignored. It feels terribly damning. It shouldn't but it does. I should know this and how to deal with it but I don't. It has happened before, many times in fact. But I've generally ignored it, continued as though nothing has changed. It feels awful and I hate feeling as though I'm an outsider in a place I thought I could call 'home', in the company of people who understand me and who I am. But apparently the only place I should call home is me.

So I'm taking my Georgie-bungle for the umpteenth time and reverting to the blunt and anti-social. They work so well. They feel so warm when I'm in their company and more so confident.  Nothing beats feeling in your own skin when in your own skin....

(There are to many "but's" and "I's" in this post.)

In the next post I'll be reviewing Refuge Boy by Benjamin Zephaniah which I've completed reading for several days but have been too busy to do. I'm happier, freer and apparent I have less people to worry about. (y). I am well. I am tired. And blogging just so I can write, though this really doesn't count in the least.

May Your Ashes Burn Well

I know that I'm soft. I am aware that I take things too seriously. I am fully aware that I am forever in the state of over reacting. But I also know when you're treating me in a manner that you do not treat anyone else. I know when you're disrespecting me, because it hurts. A large number of people seem to have it engraved somewhere within their minds that they, without my knowledge, own me, my decisions, and abilities. Often I am belittle because someone else is always better than me. Though I may take it, act as though it is nothing. It is and I am finally tired enough to walk away from all the crap. I am finally tired enough to stop taking people's attitude for the sake of having company and feeling normal. It's not worth feeling normal if all normal is, is feeling terribly worthless when you're around people who you kinda or should feel open around. I'm threw having "friends". It is much better to be despised and have people treat you with disrespect than to have people who befriend within your own m,ind treat you with the same disrespect. It feels like the billionth time that I'm coming to this conclusion. But this time I'm doing something about it. I am moving away from everyone who degrades me in anyway. If you can't help me feel better about myself and actually keep up wit the charade around people you'd like to seem cool with, what's the point of a so-called relationship. Breathing, Stretching, Shaking let it go Ashes to Ashes Dust to dust I'm doing what I must

To the Few Who Are Many

Initially this was written to help a friend. However she doesn't require my help. But since it's written I'm posting it to help anyone else who needs this kind of help. The overall reason for your basic existence is to go to heaven. The only sin which cannot be forgiven is suicide. Repentance requires the sinner to be alive to express such a feeling and death shuts this door. No matter what happens, no matter how grave, evil, wicked, filthy or ashamed you feel, no matter how hopeless the situation is, remember that you have a second life and you have to chose whether you want to pay for those acts or have the chance to have them removed and live better than kings. It's entirely your choice: willingly burn for your sins or undo the past by turning to the Father. It's your choice. When the world is bleak, blackened by my guilt, the colour of my conscience I chalk it up to the quote: "This too shall pass." Then I find a place to scream, dwell in my own mind in silence digging for every ounce of memory from every sense, gathering the thoughts and hidden feelings that might have drove my actions. I confront the raw, untamed sections of myself and when the reason is found, decisions and goals are put in place to control the various aspects so that the internal problems are dealt with. I ensue that it will never happen again...then I sit Breathing, Slowly, Dragging air into my lungs (thinking "I am beautiful") Letting it out, (thinking "and I am a strong mind") Then push it out. I do this until the motion, until the rhythm happens on its own and a calm covers me...and I feel new, different, ready to live carefully yet freely, with a healthy, inspiring freedom. It's not as easy as the words look. There are emotional obstacles to be torn through. There are arguments to be waged within. Anger and tears to shed among other things. But once you get through them to the point where YOU decide how you are going forward: your interactions with others, how you'll respond to them about what happened and in general, the boundaries and warning signals, and get through the breathing session you should feel happier, better, as though you've grown. I hope this helps. I love you and I like who you are.

...

I've just seen one of my grades and I feel like vomiting and I have headache.

I don't think most people understand how it feels to have a community of people who care for and understand what your most precious (earthly) assets mean to you.

I almost cried this morning as I went onto WDC and was greeted with mail alerting me to the fact that a fellow member/writer had paid for my membership and that I would not be losing any of my pieces. It's been three going on four years since I arrived and it's been the best years of my life. A lot of the things that I've done offline which have benefited my character and skill have been inspired, motivated by this community and I've been dreading having to leave since I entered. I am so touched by this act.

Thank you.

I am relieved mentally and financially. Thank you, Jesus! :-) My father blesses me in the most awesome ways and I just have to keep believing, without truly understanding, that He loves me unconditionally. I am His.

Where Is The Love?

So over the weekend my 8 year old brother indulged in telly fantasy. During the course of his pleasure I noticed with disgust the "idiocracy" of some of the characters which was used as the basis of most if not all comedy scenes. Stupidity is no joke. It is the direct effect of not using one's brain. With this as a major problem in society should the media be poking fun at it? Or should it be empowering the open minds of our children with information with which they can use today, tomorrow and fifty years from now? But I guess the urge to make little and big idiots laugh at themselves is too great. That's enough about the telly. To the music. Can a fool hold morals? Maybe. If a fool can live by a set of standards which are seen as acceptable, should we not help them? Show them what is right, pull then out of the stupidity, raise the bar a little. Of course we should not. We should without hesitation insult those trying to do so and damn the growing who have already bought into game of laughing at their own folly. We should with resounding confidence advertise diseases of the mind and body with such aesthetically pleasing designs that none except those mentally and spiritually on guard will be made aware.



I think the song which follows sums everything up perfectly.

"Where Is The Love?"
by Black-Eyed Peas

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma

Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK

But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah

Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love, the love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace are so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong

Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone

So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover

The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love, the love, the love?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction

Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema

Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity

That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found
Now ask yourself

Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?

Father, Father, Father, help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love?

Sing with me y'all:
One world, one world (We only got)
One world, one world (That's all we got)
One world, one world
And something's wrong with it (Yeah)
Something's wrong with it (Yeah)
Something's wrong with the wo-wo-world, yeah
We only got
(One world, one world)
That's all we got
(One world, one world)

* The lyrics were taken from AZLyrics.com.

Clueless About Naming This

Life -ish


When it comes to the government workers in Antigua, one has to have a megaload of patience.

Several weeks ago I went to the Passport Office to replace my lost passport. After waiting for approximately three hours I got to the counter and the woman there informed me with a bag full of attitude that I would have to copy the police report (I lost my passport. Lucky me.) and another $100 stamp and that I'd need to carry a copy of my birth certificate to the Immigration Dept. I was shocked and asked if it was really the Immigration Dept. and if I needed anything else. She responded in the affirmative to the first and said that was it and of course repeated herself impatiently. All this time I'm seriously pissed and desperately trying ti be nice.

So.........(long pause deep breath) I went to the Immigration Dept. today and I must say the workers are perfect. I could not have asked for a better set of persons to deal with: they were all pleasant and helpful. There I found out that one, I need two memorandum forms (from PASSPORT OFFICE) with the original police report and my birth certificate. And I'm so irritated at having to go back to the Passport Office to collect two forms. Thankfully, I got all the other answers about the Passport Office info there as well.

Bible Study


This week in the quarterly we've been studying Love Stories and it's left me feeling so great about how much God loves me.



So apparently I should stop blogging and do something since my laptop is shutting down on me.

I dislike the talkative person I've become. Walking to and fro in an empty shell and stuck on the same level. It has become a bore, exhaustive and lacking everything I desire and love. As if advised I broadened my field of acquaintances. I've overcome shyness but I've lost the me I love the most and I can feel her hurting, squeezing herself into a corner making way for others as originality wanes, normality prosper and mediocrity breaths freely. This is the second time I've actively taken Mystery's advice. And it is the second time that it has failed so miserably as to leave my person feeling inadequate when compared to the character of my former self. Silence is golden. Death is inevitable. These are the quotes which lead my life and spark my aspirations respectively. I miss him, and previously thought that we were completely alike. But the observation of the past situation has brought to light how different we are in our view of and approach to the world. He cannot justify mine & I cannot live within his. I am at peace with mind and he with his and though we can communicate on the matter no further can we proceed. This has been quite the revelation, quite the awakening. To bed 0117hrs March 19, 2012

Almost Cried

But the Lord came through for me.

Thank you Jesus.

Blessing be to all.

So I lost the Wadadli Pen Prize

Yes, I lost in the Wadadli Youth Pen Prize Competition. So it's time to really focus on the next one.

Wish me blessings.

Stupid

I feel so stupid on a regular basis. Stupid enough to pity myself to tears. I don't understand how I can fool myself so often on the same subject and continue without being none the wiser while doing it only to have an awakening like this to go and do the same thing over again in several days. I don't know why I pretend to be so special in another person's world when I really know I'm not. It takes a specific type of fool to believe in something he knows to be false.

I'm suppose to be believing in God but at the moment I just feel rather low and idiotic. I've got a number of things I should be doing so I'll be trying to focus on them while not messing them terribly. Where's the pause button so I can sit and work for awhile without the looming doom? I'll come back...but I just don't feel it at the moment or for the last few days.

:(

Feb 8, 2012 - I'm tired, I don't have to be perfect, but I not a devil either

If there is something which can make me miserable my mother will without a doubt do it. But whatever she does she'll do it in such a way that she still appears to be a good person and that none would be the wiser.

So this morning as she gets into the vehicle I'm on the phone and she begins with "You're distracting me. I cannot concentrate when you're on the phone."

Now this would be a valid point if she was not accustomed to text, speaking on the phone, and talking to the passenger (sometimes all at once) while driving. This not an exaggeration. Do all of them at the same time is rare but she has done it. I've spoken to her about it and she has ignored me. So this concern of hers was in reality groundless except for the fact that it was to disturb me and the conversation I was having.

She continued by saying I had not helped her to get in to the vehicle. I don't usually help her, she is not handicapped.

Her main aim for most of our relationship has been to make me appear to be a terrible person. She complains that I make her late. However when I am not with her she still arrives late. I've asked her to wake an hour earlier than she does. She refused saying it was pointless. I go to b ed four hours after she does almost nightly and wake an hour before her. I iron my clothing at night at her bequest and to make it easier on myself I do it all on a Sunday evening so that I am not in her way. It would one may guess allow her to do her ironing nightly. But she does not. What she does however is complain that I stay up too late and never help her in the kitchen. Now if she did iron at night she wouldn't need help.

I do try to help though. But whenever I do she finds a need to be in the kitchen, redoing, complaining and out-rightly getting in my way.

I am sick of being told of all my evils when truly they are not: I'm sick of being told I never help when I do; I'm sick of being told how lazy I am, when I'm not; I'm sick of being treated as though I should mother my brother when she decides to go out with friends, and then have her tell me I can't even help him when I do, I am sick of being up late and staying up later to wait on her to come back in the early morning hours when she complains about me going out an d coming back at twelve; I am sick and tired of her acting as though I'm suppose to be a child at one instance and then a grown-up at the other; I'm sick and tired of her self-righteous attitude; I am sick and tired of trying to be good, trying to keep in her good graces, trying to seal myself in from the world to please her while still trying to live so that I can better myself and be a good artist; I am sick and tired of being silent an d having her continue, using tactics to irritate and tempt me to sin. I am tired and I am finished. I have nothing else to wait for. Living with her has not made any better of a person.

I actually miss my grandmother because she would have stood up for me when she felt that my mother had went overboard: pointed out that all the fault wasn't my own.

I hate that she curses me to bits in the mornings from the house to my drop-off point then has the gall to send an "I love you" text during the day, call like everything's okay, pick me up and talk about her day, and depending on my response curse that I talk to much or that she has to listen to my day when I'm not listening to hers. I'm tired of actually listening but because I don't say "okay" she feel compelled to lecture me about not making her know I'm listening when she does the same thing with me.

I'm sick of being on the phone and have her say something related to giving out her home business by being on the phone beside her when she does the same because it is truly pointless.

I sick of being depressed and having to fight her within my mind. I sick of being sick and her not believing or caring and her over-exaggerating small pains like that of menstruation. Of course, those pains are extreme but I've had them too and without her help and her acting like nothing is wrong with me I've gotten over them. Along with those I've gotten over three month migraines which she refuses to call migraines because I wasn't vomiting wasn't classified by her as one, having whatever it was that I had which caused me to forget things in seconds, lose focus in the same span, get numb, lightheaded and other pains which come and go for whatever reason.

I'm tired of her acting as though I'm free-loading because though I mostly am, $100 which she gets weekly does help and I don't need to be feeling like I owe her when I don't.

I question if I should really love her as a mother. She engages in devilish acts on a regular basis and treats me as though I'm hell-bbound and she's the angel who has come to change me.

I really don't care now. Or I hope I don't. I am hurt, simply put and before it comes to me think that suicide or marriage is the only hope I'm moving out. I'm find a job unattached to any family and hopefully friend and I'm renting a house and moving out.

I'm unaccustomed to catching the bus and a number of other things. But in light of how I live now, I really don't care. I'm frustrated.

January 27 - Anemia (I think)

I think I might have Anemia. I went to a lab yesterday to check my blood count and pressure level. For the latter the result was instant: 99/73. According to the technician the average is 120/80 though it varies for some people. But it's low. The other result has been ready since 1500hrs yesterday, but I had a class at 1445hrs. Initially I planned to miss a section of the two hour class period. But somewhere along the day I changed plans.

However without the results I am almost certain. Over the last year I've been some health issues one could say. I have unexplainable pain in my chest arms and legs, my limbs numb and become cold, there's loss of strength for short periods, I feel like fainting (though I never have), my memory lapses, and I become winded after extremely short periods of exertion equaled to the likeness of one hundred quick steps, when this exertion is pushed it triggers a headache which affects my eyes as well as my ability to think.

Of course, I'm not one to visit doctors so I haven't and most likely won't. I've read that the presence of the symptoms above and others symbolise that there is another problem within the body. I hope it isn't so with me. I'm already having issues with those symptoms. I have a headache at the moment and it's preventing me from focusing on my practice writing and code writing.

I need to get over it so that it can move on. I'm trying multiple potential solutions; watching Inception to calm my mind in the case that my mind is overly occupied; applied the screen contrast to lessen the stress on my eyes; lying down and covering to go against the tired and i should fall and cold feeling.

The headache is present but has lessened, my eyes aren't hurting, my thoughts are moving more smoothly. However the back of my neck is now hurting though and the sheets make me too warm and I feel cold without them. My eyes are beginning to hurt again. I think I should try for a poem now though. I didn't write yesterday, and it would be terrible for me to ....I look to the television for a minute or less and lost my thought.

I've produced five okay lines now my head is hurting:

Wake (me) from the depths of your mind
Build (me) from the seed of inspiration
Mold (me) with optimism
Create with zeal
Craft with confidence


It's 1401hrs and I think I should sleep so....

January 26 - I Miss Him

I miss the most mundane things about our day. I misss driving in the car while discussing our day, tossing witty comments back and forth, poking , pulling, touching limbs play fully. I miss spending time with him. I miss speaking to him about concerns which others would laugh at. I miss being in his presence. I'm always on an extreme emotion when he's near. I miss him.

Hurt.

Feeling a bit stupid, for no real reason. But oh well classic me.

Learning to use my pain for gain: What do I know....? We'll see when I begin writing.

I need someone to talk to eh?

Time to Prep

To see the first practice run I'm comfortable with check out Every Flaw Put To Rest.

I am rather anxious for comments. I need to know where I am in the sight of the audience.

And back to prepping I go.

Day 1

A Bit Nervous, Frightened, Unsure

Love

I'm in love with the same man from last year. I still feels good to love him. Loving him has inspired and continues to inspire me as time moves. We both remain in the state in which we met: him being overtly friendly and me single. And I've finally accepted that one of the first things he told me was true. It's not a matter of disbelief but one of rewording his statement in a manner so that it connected and lasts within my brain. He hadn't "womanized" for a while and I thought "He's changing for me". But he's began again and his actions are less careful as are his words. Of course, it hurts. The importance of it however is what he told me near the beginning. "You can't change a man. He has to change himself." At first I thought of how obvious it was and asked him to really say what he meant because there had to be another meaning which I wasn't grasping.

"A woman can never make a man change. He has to love her enough to want to change and change himself."

Obvious and true but for some reason we (women) continual remold men who are never actually remolded. A person is whoever they chose to be. One can inspire change in another but x cannot change y (outside of mathematics).

And so I'm alone again with no buddy to talk to at any and every hour of the day about philosophies, music, personalities, mindsets, weaknesses, strengths, etc...overall I fell as though I've simply lost a friend, a true friend, considering that he hasn't betrayed any of my secrets or thrown them in my face. Speaking to him always made me feel as though I was really communicating, sharing....

But I do stupid things like thinking I mean more to a person that they ever admit. So I'll resist my obsessive compulsions pertaining to him and I'll leave him be.

Blessings to him and whatsoever he does in life.



Writing

I haven't been writing a lot throughout the last year. However this year will be different. I am been lackadaisical about it considering that I should have begun practicing at 09:30 and now at 11:33 I'm stalling.

I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing as a writer and by failing I mean falling lower than the heights achieved earlier. I should be, but I am. I think this was a good starter, a way of getting my emotions out. Oddly I do feel worst having admitting that which was in the preceding section. I wished he'd call. But thankful I am very acquainted with depression and writing....strangely I don't feel depressed, sad. But not depressed in the least.


Academics

I've not excelled to the point of satisfaction. But I'm doing okay. I need to improve on time management though. After the completion of this post a schedule will be create for a better flow and use of productivity and time.



Life Outside of the above

....doesn't feel like it matters at the moment, except that I'm trying to find money